Well 2011 is coming to an end in a couple of hours. It is not ending the way I expected. Was suppose to be having a nice romantic evening with John, instead he went to a hockey game and I was left at home with 4 of the 5 kids. Instead of destressing, I ended up more stressed out because the kids were acting crazy. That's kids for you, the times you really need them to be calm and well behaved is when they are all crazy and insane. Oh well, at least John had a nice evening.

Things I will miss when the kids are grown

1. Hearing "Mommy, you are the best mommy," from Kennedy and JJ.
2. Dancing with Livie as she sings to me about dolls.
3. Having Alex come up and give me a hard kiss on my cheek.
4. Alex saying "ACME" after watching Reba.(he doesn't do this anymore but when he was about 2 he did it all the time, and once even woke up in his sleep to say it."
5. Having JJ take my face in his hands and looking into my eyes and saying "I love you."
6. Seeing the kids eyes light up when they talk about something they are excited about.
7. Watching the kids laugh while being tickled.
8. Cuddling on the couch and watching a movie with ALL the kids on my lap.
9. Hearing the kids saying "Ewww" when they see John and I kiss and then coming up to get a kiss from both of us.
10. Having kids fall asleep on my chest.

Ryan has been having a hard time these past 2 weeks. He got to the point where from Sunday until about early afternoon today that he only wanted to lay around curled up with his coat on or under a blanket and sleep. He was no longer suffereing from a headache or stomach ache(he was getting physically ill from all the emotions he is bottling up) but he was just not motivated to do anything but lay around and sleep. He didn't want to interact with us or do anything, not even play xbox or play outside.

I have been trying to get him to come out of it, so when I was playing my Sims 3 game and he was really interested in it, I decided to let him create himself. So we set together and worked on his Sims person, got him a house, and then made him a wife. He seem to perk up after that. Played some xbox with Alex and even played around the house for a bit.

He also went to see his mom and he seemed to enjoy his visit, which I am so grateful for. I believe he does love his mother and wants to feel loved by her, but that he is afraid of the life he has lived with her being on drugs. I can understand his wanting acceptance and unconditional love from his mom, but knowing what it is normally like. That when she is on drugs, she isn't the same mom. And I am guessing he has seen her being on drugs more than not in recent years. And though he wants to believe things will be different, he fears that it is all just going to go back to the same old thing.

I totally get that, because I would LOVE to believe she is changing her life and she WILL stay clean. Unfortunatly I have seen her say all this 2 times already this year, just to have her run off twice after getting back into drugs, so I have little trust in her this time. I hope she proves us wrong and she stays clean forever. BUt I fear it is only a matter of time before she goes back to drugs and Ryan will be back in that life, afraid and alone with no way to deal with his emotions.

I just wish this was easier. That Ryan was more emotionally able to cope. That his mom wasn't such a good liar and so convincing, so you have little trust in what she says cause you know she can make you believe whatever she says. That she wasn't so caught up in this life, that getting out of it will possibly be too big of an obstacle that she might feel like just giving up and going back to drugs. That I didn't have this horrible fear that he will go back to live with her whether she has really changed or not and be subjected into whatever choices she makes.

I guess I really need to take this all to the Lord in prayer! He is so much more sufficiennt to handle this and praise God He truly cares!!

My Little Jet Plane

I love that my Lord and Savior cares so much about me that He shows that love through others. The Bible says that if we are children of God, then the love of Christ should show through us and we should be like a light. I have to say that my little JJ is definately a light when I am down. He shares the love of Christ with all he comes across, especially those that he senses are down and need encouragement.

All morning he has been telling me "Mommy, you are my favorite mommy," (I wanna know how many he has. lol), "Mommy, you are the best mommy," "Mommy I love you with my whole heart," "Mommy, you are so pretty and smell good," etc. He has been showering me with hugs and loves. I am so blessed that God gave me a son who has one of John's best traits, the gift of encouragement and affirmation.

JJ might be an extremely ornery child at times, but he knows how to melt your heart and share the love of Christ!!

I am a little tired of being labeled as judgmental or up on a pedestal for having certain views of families, being a parent, and the sanctity of marriage that differs from the world standard. When someone quotes God's commandment about not killing, no one questions or labels them as judgmental, but talk about not committing adultery and all the sudden you are judgmental, etc.

I know that there are many good people, great parents, great families that are made up of people who are not married, blended families, etc. I was raised by my mom and step dad and he was a really great dad. Didn't matter to me that he was a step dad. He didn't replace my bio dad, I was blessed with 2 dads. I have many friends and family that I have that are single parents, divorced, remarried, living together, etc. I might not agree with every choice they make in their personal, public, or family lives, but I love them just the same.

Just because we might be good parents and people doesn't mean that all the choices we make are right. I am sure there are plenty of things I do others don't agree with. But when I post something about families or marriage these comments are almost all about the world as a whole, not individuals.

Having been going to court has opened my eyes to a world I never knew existed. I mean we read about these kid of things but to sit in the room with a man who punched his niece in the face, or a woman who whipped her daughter with a bungie court and then tried choking her on numerous different times makes you wonder how things would be if the world did hold God's word closer to it's heart, His whole word, not just the parts that don't offend them. And believe me there are parts of God's word that when I hear it pricks my heart and makes me see things in my life that needs cut out.

To sit in a room with a woman who has made some horrible choices in her life that have had a HUGE impact on her child's life and hear her say it isn't fair to say that seeing her is causing her child's emotional problems makes you see the world different. To see the destruction sin can do. To realize that God's word is more than just words on a page, it is truth given to us to free us from the bondage of sin.

God's morals haven't changed!

Last night I posted on facebook this: "Today Kennedy told me she wants to be a mommy like me when she grows up. She goes "I wanna have one, two, three babies, but only one daddy." In todays society it is becoming pretty rare to have kids with only 1 father. It is kinda sad what has happened to families."  This was followed by replies by replies that sounded like they felt this was a comment directed at them. They talked about how blended families are good and that there is nothing wrong with families today.(I have nothing against blended families) Another woman who has 2 kids from different dad said that she agrees because it is hard to explain to kids and to be proud of having the treasure of one father to my kids.

Now here is my problem with this. It is my right to my own opinion. My post was not about anyone in particular, and I don't know why it was taken as such. And I do find it sad that God's respect of marriage and families has been disregarded by much of the world. The relationship between a man and wife is suppose to reflect the love Christ has for the church. Let's face it, in a good majority of marriages today that is NOT the case.

And so many people have disregarded marriage all together and get irritated when people stand up for God's vision. I am sorry marriage is sacred and sex outside of marriage is a SIN!! And I stand here saying this as a person who entered into this sin multiple times. I was wrong, I hurt God and my sin of sex before marriage put Christ on the cross.

It seems like in today's society people are so slow to admit and repent of their sin. Anyone who views sex outside of marriage is just being narrowminded and old fashion in their eyes. I am sorry, but just because more and more people are having sex outside of marriage and therefore more babies are born outside of marriage doesn't mean that God's commandments have changed. The world's morals have changed not God's!

5 Things Only I Seem To Be Aware Of

There are certain things around the house that I seem to be the only one that is aware of. Now some of these things John knows and does, but mostly I am the only one that seems to be in the know on these items.

1.   Socks do not mate themselves. And if you hide them under your bed, then soon or later you will be out of socks to mate.  And if you only wear them for an hour and you want to take them off, you can put them in your shoes to wear later. You don't have to put new socks on each time. There are days we go through 3 pairs of socks for each child.

2. If you have dogs in a house, you can not put down food on the floor or coffee tables and expect the dogs to NOT eat it. THEY ARE DOGS!! I can't not tell you how many times I hear "hey, where is my cookie(bread, sandwich, etc.)?!"

3. Light switches can go both ways. They do not only have an on position, the other position works too. It wouldn't have both positions if it wasn't meant to be used. Often when we leave the house I come home to find that EVERY light in the house was left on.

4.  If you DO NOT put your clothes in the laundry, they WILL NOT get washed. I am not going to go through your room daily to look under every piece of furniture in your room to search for your favorite shirt to make sure it is washed.

5. Trash has a home and it is NOT  the nearest table, counter, or the floor. I swear there are days where I could go around my house with a big garbage sack and fill the hole thing up with trash found on the floor or tables that the kids could have picked up.             

Now these are just a few of the things that I have noticed that the kids do not seem to get. It is really irritating. And I have noticed that even when I have the house picked up while the kids are in school. When they get home, the house suddenly looks dirty again. It is super frustrating!



Took the kids to Cody Park tonight to carol with Alex and JJ's school. Ryan and Livie weren't too interested in singing, but Alex and Kennedy loved it while JJ was on the fence. Then we had some hot chocolate, did some smores, rode the carosual and went on the hay rack ride. And the kids ended up seeing Santa, which was a hit with Kennedy. She told him he wanted fingernail polish.

Working on quilts

I have gotten back into quilting the past month. I have enjoyed it so much. I decided that I would really like to make quilts for each of the kids for Christmas next year. I figured if I worked on one every 2 months, I could get all the kids' done in time. I have not decided whether I am doing the quilting myself or taking it to the Quilt Rack. Personally I would love to get them professionally quilted by I have to see the price.

After seeing the case plan having a date of April 24th(it will be later than that most likely) as the date the state hopes to have him back with mom or adopted it made me realize I needed to get his done in advance just in case. That way IF he has to go home to his mom then I can give it to him before he leaves.

The funny thing is that he has no clue I am working on a quilt for him and he asks me almost every other day if I will make him a quilt. I just smirk and say "maybe someday" knowing that he will be so happy to get his own quilt from me.

Here is a picture of the quilt so far.

Mom vs. Wife

Pulled out a parent's magazine that I hadn't looked through yet tonight and was incrediably saddened by one of the mini articles.  "Mom vs. Wife, a surprising new survey inspires head-to-head deate: Which gig is more important?" was the title/subtitle.

Which gig is more important? I didn't know it was a either or question! Either work at being a good parent or work at being a good spouse is apparently the midset of the "millennials." Yep Americans under the age of 30 are refered to as the Millennials generation. The article said that the majority of MY generation place a higher value on raising kids than on getting married. 52% of adults 18-29 said that eing a good parent is "one of the most important things" in life and only 30% said the same on having a successful marriage.

They had a quote from an award winning blogge and author stating "I'd rather have my marriage fall apart than fail as a parent. An adult can pick up the pieces and move on after a bad marriage, but how do you 'fix' a child who has been neglected? Millennials know that they can raise happy, healthy children outside of marriage because they saw their own divorced parents do it. As a single mom, that gives me hope."

So apparently cultivating a successful marriage creates neglected children?! What?!?! I am sorry, but I can work on keeping a strong connection with my husband AND give my kids the love and support they need. It doesn't have to be one or the other.

You know what else this generation of children and young adults around the age of 21 is called? The fatherless generation!!

What has happened to marriage?

What has happened to marriage? I don't know whether the world views marriage as something that isn't needed in a relationship in today's morals or if they are viewing marriage as something binding and therefore don't want to get married because of what it means. I am just not sure.

I am really confused because marriage solidifies a relationship more than just living together. It gives children a sense of security. They have actually done studies that shows that children are more confident and secure in a family where their parents are married, then in single parent homes or homes where parents are not married. Now this is not to say that single parent homes are horrible, I understand that there are amazing single mothers and dads out there that are raising some great kids.

My confusion is how marriage seems to be null and void in the view of many people. I know people who have bought houses together and/or had children together and I want to ask, if you feel the desire to join into a contract that says we plan on being in each others lives for ever, why not get married?

I mean having a child is a huge step. I see in magazines about people in Hollywood that have been dating 5 months and are pregnant or trying to get pregnant, but they don't feel they need to rush marriage. Rush marriage?! Bringing a child into the world is fine but saying you want to be faithful and true to one another for the rest of your lives is to much to consider now. Seems to me you have it backwards!

Now I know this seems very judgemental, but I am sorry marriage is very important in God's eyes. It is sacred and I feel that child, houses, living together, sleeping together comes after marriage, not before or instead of. I am not saying those who choose not to get married are horrible people, but if you are sleeping with someone who is not your spouse, you are in sin. This is a sin that the world is becoming way to comfortable with! We all fall into sin, but praise God for repentance and the mercy Jesus' blood gives if we only choose to accept it.

365 Days of Christmas

Tonight was Platte Valley Academy's annual Christmas program. It was called "365 days of Christmas" and was so cute! The kids did such a good job! I was so proud to see my handsome little men up on the stage looking so cute in their suits.  I made all the kids dress up, so we were one good lookin' family tonight! It was a great night of fun and fellowship! Reminds me why I love PVCA so much!!

Here are some pictures:

Livie and her daddy

Kennedy, posing like a little princess

Mommy and Kennedy

 Me and John(hate how fat my face looks!)

 Ryan and me(even though he is making a face, he asked me to take a picture with him)

The kids singing.

What a good lookin' group!! Kennedy wasnt thrilled with getting her picture taken. lol

Little did I know

I remember holding Ryan when he was about 5 months old, hearing about the bizarre circumstances of his birth and the months that followed. Never did I imagine that the truth of his birth and the months that followed was even more bizarre. And that one day this precious child would be living within my home, a part of our family, and looking to us for the stability that he needs and desires.

Please be praying for our family and God's will in this situation. In the next 6-12 months, there will be much stress and big decisions to be made by the state, the courts, Ryan's mom, and us. I am praying that whether Ryan goes home to his mom, stays with us, or even goes to another home that it is God's will. That wherever is his forever home, that it would be a home filled with love, stability, and safety. The kind of home where he is nurtured and his parent/s help him heal from the wounds that has been inflicted on his young heart and soul.

What is a parent?

Sometimes I wonder what makes a parent in people's eyes?

Since having Ryan come to live in our home, my eyes have been opened to a whole new part of the world. A part of the world that I wish I did'nt know about.

Right now I am having a very hard time with the title parent just being thrown around. To me a parent is not necessarily a person that contributed to bringing a child into this world, but someone who puts the child's need before their own. Someone is there to support a child physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Someone who gives their time and love to showing a kid they are a blessing.

Just because someone created life in a drunken/drug induced act of lust doesn't make a parent. I don't think that a person should be given the right to walk in and out of a child's life whenever is good for them and demand their "rights." What about the child's right to a loving, nurturing home? A stable home with the support they need?

I am just having a hard time with this. Because yes, everyone can make bad decisions from time to time, but there is a HUGE difference between a true parent and a selfish "parent."

Ever have one of the days where your emotions are just a jumbled mess inside? You are acting irratically and horrible? You feel like crying at any moment? And the worst part is you know how horrible you are being but there is nothing you can do to stop it because you don't seem to be in control today?ou know it but there is nothing you can do about it, no matter how hard you try?

That is the kind of day I am having. I can't even say what set it off today. It isn't like the day started off bad or anything. I guess my only explination is that I am extremely tire, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I just feel bruised and battered today. I feel crushed and broken. I feel like all the emotion that I have been carrying around for the past couple of months is bubbling over. I hate days like this. I just want to crawl into bed and sleep for a while so that maybe I can be in a better mood. I want to lock myself away from other people so they don't have to deal with my cranky behavior.

Unfortunatly that isn't really an option today. It is my father-in-law's retirement party today. I just hate this because I caused a huge fight between me and John today with my attitude. I can't say that there wasn't reason for me to be a little irritated with the situation, but my horrible attitude made it ten times worst than it needed to be and I wounded John in the process.

I just wish that people would give me a little grace. I feel like I am expected to deal with sick kids for 2 weeks, stresses of normal life, added stress and duties from having Ryan live with us and keep up with all that I have to do at church and school and never let the stress get to me.

Stupid Human!!!

I have been trying so hard to carry on with our normal life that we had before our new addition of Ryan. And it has been crazy. Trying to continue doing all that others expect me to be able to do. To do all the school stuff and church stuff, along with all the appointments for kids, housework, and normal mommy duties. It has been downright exhausting. And I have been losing sight of myself. I don't even feel I have time to exercise in the day, because I feel too tired when I have some down time. I don't even manage to find time to spend in God's word lately. I have gotten to the point where I feel I am too overwhelmed to spend time in my Creator's word, how screwed up is that. No wonder I feel overwhelmed. He is my refuge, my strength. Yes I am still leaning on him, but I haven't been searching His word. But I am amazed at how through this time of my being too overwhelmed to seek His face in His word(I say this while rolling my eyes at my humanist stupidity) He is ever faithful. He is in the midst of this, continuing to lovingly bring me into obidence with His will. Praise God for my King of kings. Without Him I can do nothing, but through Him I can do all things!

1 year from now.......?

Today as I was picking up the living room, I came across some papers Ryan brought home from church Wednesday. I hadn't had a chance to look through them all, so I stopped to do that. One of the papers is for a time capsule that his class is preparing and his teacher is asking that each child fill out the sheet with answers to the questions she asked. Some of the questions were about what they hope to do in 1 year, 10 years, and 20 years. It just broke my heart, because when I think about 1 year from now for Ryan there is this huge neon question mark. I don't even know where he will be living one year from now.

Since going with us to Casey's he has been asking if we can go to Island Oasis in Grand Island, to Disney World, to the pizza factory in Lincoln, etc. Also if he can play soccer, go to summer camp, play baseball, etc. He is so much wanting stability, wanting to know what the future holds. I wish I had answers for him, I hate not knowing so I can only imagine what it is like for him.

I went into his room to put away clothes and I about cried because I don't know in a year if it will still be his room. I don't know what his future holds, but I pray that God keeps His hand on Ryan's life and gives him comfort and peace.

I think the most frustrating thing that I am dealing with right now as far as having Ryan is the not knowing. Not knowing what is going to happen. Not knowing how long we will blessed with him in our home. How long we will have the ability to love and care for him.

But through all this I think something that I am coming to realize is that there are so many kids that need a home to come to when they are in the time of their unknown future. I definately believe that we will consider being foster parents again whether we keep Ryan or not. I don't think it will be until the kids get older, but I think that this is something God has placed on my heart for a reason.

Long, LONG Day!

Today was such a long and tiring day. This morning we had a situation brought to our attention regarding Alex and JJ at school and we made the decision to have it handle the way it should have been in the first place. Which meant our boy's both recieved a red tally at school. This meant that our boys were sent home for the rest of the day. Hopefully they understand that hitting is not tolerated!

Then I had to take Ryan to Dr. Kimzey to have him tested for ADHD. Found out while I was there, that he has seen him twice before and previously diagnosised him with ADHD, as well as Asperger's and Tourette's. Well his test this time came back as having ADHD, which we all kinda guessed. So tomorrow I take him in to get on medicine. The only thing is that even though he has ADHD, I don't necessarily feel that he NEEDS the medicine. Especially since we now know he has asperger's and an emotional age of an infant to 2. Those both add to his short attention. I don't see where medicine is necessary to help him function more effictivaly. I think it is more of an issue that the meds would help him be calmer and less of a disruption to his class. I just don't want to see him become a zombie, so he isn't so hyper. Just praying God's hand in all this and that we can get him on the right dosage for him to remain the happy, silly boy he is.

Then I recieved a letter from his mom, and it wasn't the most "uplifting" letter. I guess the easiest way to discribe her view of me is that she hates God and views those who are believers as judgemental and having a "better than you" attitude. She doesn't realize that my faith is an actual relationship with God and isn't just for making myself appear better. Just praying that she will come to know God. I just don't know how to deal with someone who is going to take anything you say as judgement.

Since the boys were in trouble(and Livie is super cranky due to having diahrrea that is making her bottom hurt), I sent John and Ryan to church and I kept the other 4 kids home. They were acting pretty naughty(dumped over 4 baskets of folded clothes and throwing them around) I sent them to be early, so here I set enjoying the quiet after a long day. Praise God for some down time.

My wrist have been bothering me since forever. I have always had bad wrist. I did something to them with I was young that caused them to be weaker and painful at times. So every time I would have pain, weakness, numbness, tingling in the past year and a half, I just figured it was from that. Well my left wrist has been in horrible pain for over a week now. I figured I had over extended it even though I didn't remember doing anything to it. Well yesterday when my right started hurting and I KNEW I didn't do anything to that one, I started looking on the Internet for possible reasons.

Carpal tunnel kept coming up as the possible reason and when looking at the symptoms and all my past problems it dawned on me that that could be the issue. So I went to the doctor because I know it is a degenerative problems and I don't want to end up with no feeling in my hands if that is the issue.

Well it is official I have carpal tunnel. I go at the end of November to get a test to see how bad it is(if they can't move my appointment up) and am looking at the possibility of surgery on both wrist. Needless to say I am glad to know the reason for all these issues, but I do not want to have surgery. With 5 kids to care for, I don't know how that will fit into my life. But I guess we will see what the doctor ends up saying next month.

Our trip so far

       
On our way to my brother Casey's we stopped and took our picture with the "World's Biggest Ball of Twine." It was started in 1954. Kinda corny, but hey that is us. lol
                                        

 We went out to Olive Garden the second night we were in town. We LOVE Olive Garden and Alex has been begging us to go back and get some more of their chicken gnocci soup since we went last year. I surprised Casey by arranging the waiters to sing for his birthday which was earlier in the week. I think he was actually happy that we remembered, although he later threatened my life. lol

 Yesterday we went to Fort Riley to see where Casey works. It was a beautiful  day and the kids enjoyed seeing all the military vehicles. Unfortunately the Custer House was closed and another museum they have a base, so we were a little bummed about that.

Today the plan is to get to a local pumpkin patch. It is going to be a fun day, after Mommy gets some caffiene running through my veins. A vacation with 5 kids is fun, but honestly you don't get that much rest. If the kids aren't sleeping well, Mommy isn't going to sleep that well. And Daddy and Uncle Casey have been staying up at night playing football on the xbox since they don't get to play it often, so they are tired too. Going to have to have a vacation at home to recover from the vacation at Casey's! lol

Destruction caused by drugs

Today when we were out looking at store here in Manhatten(my brother had to work, so we were killing time) I picked up a journal. I had Ryan's counselor and my sister suggest that I keep a journal of what has happened and my feeling about it so later if I choose to, I can give them to Ryan so he can understand more of what has happened. Right now we are kinda sheltering him from all the stuff, but someday he should know. Also his case worker told me it would be useful to note behaviors and stuff that is out of the norm so there is evidence of problems we have seen.

Anyway, so I decided I wanted to do it and finally got a journal and started writing. I think I could write for hours on all the truth that has come out about his birth, his life, and his case. It is unbelievable all that has came out and how so many were ignorate to it all or frankly didn't care because it wasn't their problem.

Then today I also saw that they charged Cindy's ex-boyfriend(I am assuming ex, but who knows) with child cruelty also. That man just keeps having charge after charge added to his list. We came across some letters he wrote about his life and the man has had a horrible life. He needs Christ in his life, he needs a Savior. His past haunts him and to forget it, he uses drugs and alcohol. And with that choice, brings him to choose to do what ever necessary to continue that cycle, which leads to more pain, guilt, and shame to deaden. It is sad how drugs and Satan can have such a hold on a life. I feel sorry for what he has gone through, but I pray that he comes to a moment of complete brokeneness in this that he finds Jesus. I am glad to see that he is having to answer for what he has done, but I wonder how we could change this problem with drugs.

I hate drugs and the legacy it leaves. Cindy has choosen a life of drugs, her birth parents chose a life of drugs, which lead to her birth and the decision to give her up for adoption. Ryan most likely was born because of drugs and irresponsible choices that came with the use of those drugs. He is battle something that he never chose, a legacy of drug use. I am praying that this generational curse tthat is attached to his life and the lives of his brother and sister would be severed before they ever consider trying them for themselves. what a horrible curse drugs are!! How many lives, families, and destinies have been destroyed because of the love of drugs!!

Well we made it to Casey's with our sanity still intact. It was kinda touch and go for a while, with Kennedy and JJ fighting in the way back and me threatening to climb through the car to come settle it for them(believe me they would not have liked it if I had to scale my way through the expedition to reach them, mama would have been mad!), Livie screaming to have food continously as a peace offering for keeping her in a carseat for 6+ hours, Alex going between asking me to help him with his homework, helping him on his gameboy, and begging to play games on my phone, Ryan being aggrevated by all the noise(you weren't the only one buddy! lol) and the endless question "Are we there yet?" that started before we even passed the Maranatha sign outside of North Platte.

But we got here. I have never seen 2 parents so thrilled to be out of a car before. I am not looking forward to the drive back.

Casey ended up having to go work today, so we are going to go through the mall and see if Dick's Sporting Goods has a rock wall here. I just hope the kids cranky attitudes stop SOON!!

14 years

Yesterday was John and my's dating anniversary. We have been together since 1997. 14 years I have had that amazing man by my side. I have been really blessed with our relationship. The years have deepened our relationship into so much more than I could have ever imagined.

So what did we do on our anniversary, you ask. Nothing out of the ordinary. He did bring me a starbucks coffee in the morning and it was really yummy. Then he went to sleep, I went on with my normal Monday, then woke him up so we could meet with Ryan's new on-going case worker. I made dinner, then took Kennedy to dance, came home and got kids to bed and then watched House together. It was a nice night of just being together.

I absolutetly love that we can just be on the couch cuddling and still enjoy our nights. We don't have to be out doing something to get time together all the time to feel connected.

Anyway here is a picture of John about a year after we started dating. This is the boy that I feel in love with.

And this is my man now. Nevermind the little boy looking all crazy in the picture. lol

My aunt was arrested today. I am ashamed to say I am glad. She will finally have to answer for endangering Ryan. She is charged with cruelty to a child/child abuse for Ryan's hair testing positive for meth. I am praying that this will force the courts to think long and hard about if it is in the best interest of Ryan to return to her ever.

I have to admit that I am starting to love that young man as a mother loves her child. How could I not? I wake him up every morning, take him to school, give him the support and care that a mother gives her children, tuck him in at night, rub his back to let him know he is cared for, it was bound to make him very dear to my heart. I can't imagine him not being part of our family now. We all love him and pray that he knows that he is loved and wanted.

I now realize I was very naive in my view of the world before. My view didn't involve real knowledge of how meth can change a mother's priorities from her children to just getting more meth and sex. I have always wondered how a mother could choose drugs over their child and kinda just ignored that part of the world. But having to see the effects everyday. Going to court and see parents choosing drugs over their child time and time again has opened my eyes. It is just too sad. I pray that this hold drugs have on people would be broken!!

I'm Not Enough!!! Yeah!!!

One of my biggest fears as a parent has always been, what if I somehow royaly screw up my kids. I mean to the point where they are sitting in a counselor's office years down the road telling them how they can not be productive adults who love the Lord because I didn't buy them a transformer every paycheck, etc. Now I am just being silly over the reason, but we all know that we carry around pains from our childhood that can still haunt us if we choose to let them. No matter how great the parent, they are bound to do something that leaves their child with some sort of pain, whether big or small. No parent is perfect.

But I also know that God is greater than my biggest shortfall! His grace is sufficient to cover every hurt or pain that my actions might cause my children. Praise God for that!!! I am by no means perfect, I try to do my best. To live a life that is honoring to God, but I still mess up, fall into sin, just like everyone else. I have yelled at my kids, lost my temper, and been cranky more times than I would care to share. But praise the Lord, that the God that I serve is big enough to show me the wrong in my actions and to heal my childrens' hearts.

I have been thinking about this subject very much in the past 6 weeks. As you know, my cousin Ryan has come to live with us and what a journey God is taking us on! It has been a trying, great, hectic, crazy, terrifying, confusing, joyous, amazing path that we have gone on through these past 6 weeks. We are in a situation that I always thought someday I would like to try(being foster parents) but never imagined it at this time in our lives or with one of my family members.

And in this situation is the child at the center, Ryan. He is an amazing young man, who God loves more than he knows. The second he was concieved in his mother's womb, God placed a call on his life, a purpose that Ryan has yet to discover. I have seen the pain and scars that have been inflicted on his young heart. Whether on purpose or unintentionally, the life he knew before coming to live with us has had an impact on his life. He has many things to overcome, many ways that he needs to grow in, and we hope to help him with these. And then my fear creeps up. What if I am not enough to do all that needs to be done in his life?!

Well I am not! Nope, me, Mandi Schimek, am not enough to heal his heart, mature him in ways he needs matured, and show him the love God has for him. Don't I feel great now, knowing I am not enough.

Actually I feel freed!! I am NOT enough!! Yeah!! This is not a yoke I have to carry! You know why? My Lord and Savior is enough! He is able to carry this yoke for me. I can come to him with all my insecurities in this situations, my fears, my prayers, my dreams for Ryan and our family, and lay them at His feet. He will cover all the places I can not, He will give me strenght when I am weak, He will give me all that I need to meet the needs of our 4 children and Ryan.

I thank God that I don't have to be Super Woman to do this! That I can be a woman who is imperfect, inadequate, and sometimes downright stubborn and by God's grace and mercy, we will not only make it through this situation just barely getting by, but my God will make this a situation where we come out stronger, as a family, as a couple, as parents, as people, as children of God. This will not only work, this will be amazing!! I serve a God that goes beyond the beyond! He doesn't just work something out, He is a God of miracles who pours blessings and mercy over us!

Actions speak louder than words!

I am wondering how someone can tell everyone how much their kids mean to them, how they are trying to straighten up their lives so they can make a real home for their family, and yet they have made no attempt their child in over 6 weeks to even TALK or contact them in ANY way. They have  skipped out of town without any notice to their case worker and has not talked to their case worker in 5 weeks. And not shown up to one court appearance. Actions speak louder than words, especially in this case!!!

As a parent one of the things that we pray is that our children get our best qualities and not our worst qualities. We want them to be strong, confident, and most importantly have a great relationship with the Lord. When we see our children showing our worst qualities, the things that we wish were different in our selves showing up in our children, that is something we hate to see.

But I have to say I am so proud that our youngest son, JJ, has inherited one of John's best qualities. John is the type of guy who can find something good in almost anyone. He is always speaking life into another person, feeling their pain and speaking blessings over them to lift their spirits. He gives very meaningful compliments and can show his love and concern for others in a way that is so often missing in this world.

JJ has gotten that amazing quality. He is always one to compliment people. He tells me all the time I am beautiful, I am the best mommy ever, etc. And it is not just me that he compliments. It is everyone he sees. He tells the guys at Casey's that they make the best breakfast pizza, makes sure to tell him classmates he is proud of them when he sees them in a dance program, etc. He loves to lift people us, make them feel loved, and also shows concern when he notices people are hurt or sad. He is just such a sensitive child. He might be a hand full who is all boy, but he DEFINATELY has been given a gift from God in touching people's hearts and affirming people.

Sometimes I am amazed at how harshly we judge ourselves and feel we are insufficient in so many ways, yet others look at us and think we are doing the impossible so well. Just like every other mom in the history of time, I go through times where I feel the iron of this "Iron Woman" starting to crack under the pressure. All the demands of our 4 kids, housework, school stuff, church stuff, and normal life, then an additional child coming into our home and all the stuff that his needs adds, counseling, extra time, court, etc, is just overwhelming at times. I feel like I am barely able to keep track of myself, let alone all that I have to remember for the rest of the family and such. This week has been full of those days where I just felt like I couldn't do anything right, like I am a chicken running around with my head cut off.

And this week I have had numereous people tell me that they think I am doing a great job. That I inspire them with my ability to handle it all, take in Ryan, and make it all work so well. I have even been complimented on my relationship with God, which I honestly feel is no where close to what it needs to be. John has even told me that he has had a couple of women comment to him that they look up to me and think I am doing a really good job.

Now I don't say this to boast, because I honestly feel that if they were to see me in every moment of my day to day, they would see me for the flawed woman that I am who is covered in grace and mercy by God. I just say it because it has opened my eyes to the fact that when we feel down on ourselves, comparing ourselves to others and never measuring up in our eyes, we need to realize that we are all loved by God who is passionate about us. When he looks at us, he doesn't see what we are not, he sees us for the person He created us to be. He didn't create us to be independent able to do it all on our own, He created us to be dependent on Him. If we can do it on our own, what would be our need for a savior?

What was I thinking?

Had to go grocery shopping today, which I noticed that I have avoided really "grocery shopping" like the plague for a couple of checks now. I would run and get a couple of things for meals and such but not get enough for multiple meals, let alone a whole paycheck of food and household items. I decided to just bite the bullet today and go for it. And although I didn't get everything I am sure, I got a good amount.

Now that reason I haven't really grocery shopped in a while isn't that I hate going. It is the process of taking kids to the store. I mean one or two isn't bad, but taking all 5 to the store to get all that we need gets overwhelming. And when I finally decide to go do it, I usually get overwhelmed by kids asking for this, or climbing on that, and just get enough for a meal or two.

So I was on my way with all 5 kids, and let me tell you I wasn't looking forward to this. I even questioned myself about having finally went off the deep end by even attempting this. I had to get air in one of my tires first and called my grandma to chit chat and see how she was. After me telling her my plan for the day, she said to drop off 2 kids and she would watch them. Score, down to Alex, Ryan, and Livie. Then when dropping them off, my mom came over and took Alex. Another one down!! So I called my mother-in-law in the off chance she would take Livie. Sure enough she did. So Ryan and I were able to go shopping together, which was much less stressed and we were able to talk and spend some alone time together. It was nice!

Courageous

Sunday my in-laws went to Gothenburg to see the movie "Courageous." They came back and said we needed to go see it and offered to watch the kids for us. So tonight we went up. It was nice because their theater is a small-town theater and is WAY cheaper for tickets and concessions. Of course it isn't as nice as North Platte's but it has a totally different feeling to it. It was like stepping back in time.

Anyway the movie was amazing. Not because it was full of actions and had a good plot line(which it did, but that wasn't the best part) It was awesome because it opened your eyes to the responsibility that comes with being a parent and a follower of Christ. When we have a baby often we don't think about what God has called us to by giving us this blessing. I thought I did, but this just opened my eyes to the reality of what we should be doing, and what we will need to focus on in the years to come.

This movie especially hit home with the fact they talk about kids without fathers, and how research is showing that this is harming kids more than we ever thought. Here we have a precious child of God, placed into our home who has been left by his mother, and the man he believes to be his father is not and has stated to the courts he never acted as a father to him. Just makes me so sad.

I praise God for using such an amazing movie as a way to open parents' eyes to the call that has been placed on their lives.

Maybe tomorrow.

As I said in my earlier post, this past week has been pretty rough on us. But I am so thankful that it is getting better. We are seeing God's grace and mercy and his protection in this situation. Praise the Lord for the peace He is giving us.

It has been a super crazy week though. Not only did we have all the stress from this attack, but we also had our normal day to day life to go through. Tuesday I don't think I got much down time. Got kids to school, then took Ryan to counseling, ran to Walmart after dropping him off, then realized I left part of my stuff at Walmart, but didn't have time to run back then, talked to the counselor, picked up pizza, took Alex some for lunch, came home and ate real quick, took Ryan back to school, ran back to Walmart, came home and changed, went to court for the second appearence of Ryan's case(mom didn't show up again), came home and got kids ready for family pictures, picked up boys from school, then had then changed and we got family pictures, then dinner, and some play time for kids, then put them all to bed. Needless to say it was a long, crazy day, and Wednesday was equally crazy. I would just like ONE day a week where I don't have to go anywhere but taking kids to school and picking them up. To be able to catch up on my housework for the week. Maybe tomorrow. lol

Praise God

This week has been a week of being majorly attacked by satan. Satan's whole goal is to kill, steal, and destroy. Kill our faith, steal our joy, and destroy our family. But praise God that the Lord is fighting this battle for us. When every ounce of our flesh cries out for truth to be known in the seas of outrageous exaggerations and vengence for the hatred spilling over unto us, the Lord is calling us to something higher. To give it to Him in prayer and trust that He is able to deal with it greater than we can. I am so thankful in the midst of this time, He is growing our faith, pouring joy over us, and bringing our family closer. Satan's truth brings death, God's truth brings life. Praise God for his mercy and grace and for the victory in this situation.

So today I decided it was time to paint Ryan's room. Since he has been with us 4 weeks and he is now saying he wants to keep his room pink and purple, it was time. So I went to Menards and picked out the paint. Now in my mind I have a really awesome plan. I want to paint 2 walls orange and then paint the other 2 walls with big squares of orange, white, blue, and green. John though said since that will be alot of work, I should just paint the 2 walls orange, 1 white, and 1 blue. I haven't decided if I am going to take his advice or not. I really would love to do the square thing, but that could take up to a week to get it done between all the stuff we have to do. I don't want to take that long, so I probably will take his advice, but I really wish I have time to do the squares.

Can't Wait!

Tuesday we are going to get new family pictures. I love getting family pictures. I don't even send them out everytime(although I always have intentions too, I often get sidetracked and find them months later and think OPPS!) I just feel so blessed by God with my family and love having the pictures to show how our family is changing from year to year.

This year we are going with a pink and black theme, black shirts for the guys and pink for the girls. We are going to go downtown by the Fox theater and have an "urban shoot" as Sheri calls it. I can't wait to see how they turn out. Praying all the kids are good and not fussy.

Praising God in the midst of this trial!

What a week it has been! We have been busy and stressed beyond belief. But praise the Lord that in the midst of this time of trial, that God is still on his throne. All this junk can be used for the glory of God in the long run if we just give it to him. Praise God for his mercy and grace He pours over us daily. He gives us strength that we could never have on our own and gives us the endurance for all of this.

Tomorrow is 4 weeks since Ryan has been in our home. I honestly couldn't imagine him not being here. He has fit into our family so well. Doesn't mean that there have not been struggles or issues, but it is going so much smoother than I thought it would. I am just praying that we can form the parent/child bond. Sometimes I wonder how he really feels about all this. Last night in wednesday night church they were talking about the relationship between their family(parents, siblings, the ones you live with) and I wondered how Ryan feels knowing he is living with his cousin and her family and having to explain that.

Tomorrow is also 4 weeks since Ryan's mom has had any contact with him. No phone calls, no asking for visits, nothing. I just find that extremely sad. I am praying that we are helping to feel the void that not having his mom here leaves. That he feels loved, wanted, and secure that he has a place in our family.

Had a really fun day with the kids today. I almost just kept us all home because I wanted to just veg for the day. But I decided to get us all out of the house for a while so John could enjoy a quiet house to sleep in. We all got ready and headed to Walmart to get a few things and to get Alex's haircut.

On the way we past the jail that they were tearing down the saw that it looked like it would come down soon, so we drove around the block, parked, and headed over to the courthouse across the street from the jail to watch the destruction. It was so awesome! I have never seen anything like that. When it came down I seriously sat their with my mouth wide open, amazed at what I had just seen. The kids that it was the best thing ever. Glad we stopped to watch. Don't get to see that everyday.

Then we loaded up and went to Walmart, got Alex's haircut, and then picked up stuff to make pigs in a blanket, veggie pizza, turkey roll-ups, and summer sausage plate for dinner in honor of the Husker game day. We then dropped all that off at home and headed to our next stop, which was a total surprise for the kids.

Ryan came home with a flyer for an event at one of the banks and so I thought it would be fun. Didn't figure it would be as big as it was. They had tons of carnival games, bouncy houses, face painting(I was a bunny), hair spray dye, food, fresh popped popcorn(thanks to my father-in-law), a really fun talent show, and a photo booth wear you could put on different funny props and get you picture taken.

So of course before we left we all got decked out all goofy and took a series of pictures. It was so much fun and such a good memory. The best things about it all was that it was all free. The whole thing did not cost me a dime. Oh and they had a nice petting zoo with miniture baby horses, a calf, chickens, rabbits, llamas, lambs, and A BABY PIG! Livie loved all the little animals.

So we had such a fun morning/early afternoon. Loved spending times with the kids, just wish John had been able to come. 

Rollercoaster of Emotions

I feel like I am on a rollercoaster ride lately. It seems like my emotions have been all over. Part of the reason is that I really don't feel good, pretty sure I have some kind of infection going on. But also it has been a bit emotional going through this journey of having Ryan. It is not that he is a bad kid or anything. Actually other than normal kid attitudes and dealing with the kids all getting used to living together and having someone else to share their home with, it hasn't been too bad. Yes it is a little nutty trying to get all the kids out the door 25 minutes earlier than we did before having Ryan, but we have been doing it and was only late 1 morning.

But the dealing with the reality that our family has changed possibly for a long time has kinda  happened without any warning. I truly believe this is God's will, but it has been a little hard to just get thrown into this with no warning, just a call one afternoon to see if we would take Ryan and then him being dropped off about an hour later. Really didn't have any time to think about how this changed stuff.

And there is dealing with all the stuff that is coming to light from this situation that is better suited for Lifetime tv then our life. Can't believe that this is part of anyone's life, let alone my family's life. This is just a huge mess. I guess that it is really true that you can't hide the truth forever, at some point all will come to light.

Last night we all went to the family math night at Ryan's school.  The kids had a blast. The PTA served pancakes and sausage which the kids really enjoyed. It was pretty good. Then we went to Ryan's social studies classroom to see what they had there. I don't know who enjoyed it more, the kids or John and I. They had these plastic shapes made up of square similar to the blocks on tetris and you picked out a paper with a design on it that you tried to fix the blocks all on the sheet within the shape provided.  It was fun to try and see if you could figure it out.

The boys enjoyed these pieces that you put together to make different shapes. I think they could have played with them all night.

Then we all went back to the lunchroom/gym and they had a minute to win it game for each grade. Ryan's name got drawn for his grade and he did very good at bouncing the balls into the bucket. It was pretty cool to watch. He was so proud of himself.

We then finished the night with playing on the playground. We had such a nice night with the kids. It was nice to be able to participate in the night and see more of the public school system since we haven't dealt with it in the parent role since the boys go to PVCA. It was kinda strange though to take a child to a school event where you didn't really anyone when we are so used to knowing all the other parents and teachers.

Today I went to the first appearance of Ryan's case. It was sad. You go into this room with other people whose cases are also going to be covered and so I saw the other side of this situation. I saw 2 parents very obviously not in a position to be the parents God desires them to be, looking like they are unable to care for their own basic needs let alone the needs of their child. I could see that they truly desired to be reunited with their child, but is that desire enough to motivate them to do what the courts will ask of them I don't know.

I was glad that I got to see this part though because at the moment I am very bitter towards those desire drugs over what is best for their children. We have opened our home, and our hearts to a child that has had a hard life. I have no clue what he has seen, but I am sure it would shock me. I am dealing with trying to heal this child whose life has been upset because of the love of drugs. I looked at these people praying that the Lord would convict them and change their hearts so their child does not have to live one more minute with drugs being top priority.

Then Ryan's case came up. It might not have been the best thing for me to go today, because I had just left the counselor's office where I was trying to get Ryan set up for counseling. Talking to the counselor made me realize just how affected Ryan could be by this all. How deep his hurts could be. It broke my heart and frankly ticked me off that a parent, my own aunt could do this to her child. Then to have to go to the court hearing and see that his mother didn't even show up. That Ryan isn't even worth showing up for. And to hear the man he thinks of as his dad to say via phone conversation that he isn't dad and never really acted as one.

This little boy has probably never been loved like he should. He doesn't know what it is like to know without a doubt that mommy is always there for you, because look at what has been his truth so far.

Please pray for our family. For Ryan that he comes to trust us, and in time love us like a child loves their parent and most importantly that he comes to know the Lord and trust him as his Savior. For John and I, that the Lord would give us the endurance to do what we feel God is calling us too. That we can come to love Ryan as our child and for wisdom in how to go day by day through this uncertian journey. And for our kids that they can adjust to open their hearts to Ryan and be ok with sharing their home and parents with another child. Please pray that we all can deal with the emotional rollercoaster that we are bound to go through throughout this time.

Shocked!!

I have to admit that I am horrified and saddened by the lack of love and concern for Ryan. He has been in our home for 2 weeks tomorrow, and so far the only people from my family who have called to see how he is doing is MY sister, brother, grandma, mom, and dad. I have tons of people at the school and church asking and praying, as well as other friends and family, but the ones who should be the most concerned have not called at all. His dad called the night we got him to see if Ryan could stay with us for a while, but let me tell you I was not getting the impression his dad would have done anything if Ryan couldn't have.

His mom hasn't called Ryan at all. Our uncle who Ryan lived with for a while hasn't called. No one cares how he is doing. No one cares that his boy feels abandoned and disposible. Why should they, they have better things to do.

Now I know that this all seems a little harsh. And possibly I am being harsher than I should. But all I know is that if my kid was placed in someone else's home to live for quite a while, I would be concerned in how they were adjusting, feeling, etc. How can you carry a child in your womb for 9 months, hug them, rock them to sleep, and then just be able to walk away without a second glance. I don't understand. I guess I don't understand the hold that drugs have on people. It is just heartbreaking!!

1st day of PVCA's school year

This morning was Alex's first day of school. He is in 1st grade this year. He was so excited to see all his friends. He didn't even kiss me goodbye or anything, just rushed off with his buddies. Of course I was threatening to sing happy birthday to one of his buddies. Lol. I love being the goofy mom who all the kids get a kick out of.

It was a little crazy this morning getting back into the routine of going to school again. And we almost walked out the door without Alex's lunch(going to have to get used to sending him lunch because this is our first year of that) I think that I will enjoy him going to school all day because it will make me prioritize my time better. I am already thinking of what I want to do before the boys(Alex and Ryan) need to be picked up from school. Last year the time that Alex was at school I often wasnt' even home, since he only went a half day. Praying I can be a good little housewife/mommy and get my house in order most days. Yes even the laundry which I often let overflow and then it overwhelms me. Well better stop blogging and get to the dishes. Unfortuantely they don't wash themselves.

What a crazy couple of weeks!!

Well it has been quite a while since I last posted. It has been a crazy past couple of weeks. We have spent our last few weeks of summer trying to get ready for school. Since our other education members have been out of town or working, I helped when I could with teachers' inservice week, we had a work day at the school and got some projects and cleaning done. I am so excited for the 2011-2012 school year of Platte Valley Christian Academy!!

Then this week in the midst of everything, my sister had broke her foot so I helped her out some this week. Then Friday in the afternoon while John was at work, I recieved a phone call asking if we could take in my 10 year old cousin for a while. We don't know how long it will be for. So he came that afternoon and we had to rearrange rooms so he could have his own room. Praise God we have the room!

Then today we had Kennedy's birthday party. Her birthday was last Monday but we decided to have the party today. We had a Tangled theme and she loved it. When she walked into the dining room and saw everything, she goes "Mommy, this is sooooo beautiful!" She was so thrilled with all her presents and her presents.

So now we are a family of 7(at least for a while), and school starts this week for Alex and JJ. And now with Ryan staying here, Tuesdays starts a a daily schedule including taking 3 kids to 2 different schools and trying to make sure everyone is on time and trying to figure out the year's schedules since PVCA and the public schools have different days off, end of quarters, and such. Going to have to figure this all out so it works.

I really didn't have a clue

When I made the decision to marry John over 9 years ago, I didn't have any idea what it really meant. I was young, 17 turning 18 later that month. I was very much in love, but in some ways it was a kinda immature love. We had a strong love, but it was still a love of 2 young people who were still new to be adults. Now some people probably thought that that meant we wouldn't last, that we were just too young to know what real love was. But they were wrong.

We were very much in love. I knew when I said yes to John that I was marrying my very best friend, but I have to admit I didn't realize what marrying my best friend meant. Our love is a deep love that is built on a mutual respect and deep LIKING of one another. I think one of the key points of any good marriage is that you need to LIKE you spouse, truly enjoy spending time with them.

Over the years John and I have gone through some hard times, financial issues, personal issues, lose of a baby, etc and through the power of the Lord, those times have made us stronger. Can I say that everyday of our marriage I enjoyed. Oh HECK NO!! There are some days I look at John and think "Boy would I like to through some hot grease on you."(quote from a movie but it totally works here) Not everyday have we gotten along. We have had some real problems to work through and when we got married I never imaged that we would face those problems. But all those times have made the love I have for him deeper. He is my lover, my best friend, my confindant, my #1 under God.

John, thank you very much for being my man! As we are preparing to celebrate our 14th anniversary since we got together(I was 13 and he was 15 when we started dating) I want you to know that marrying you was one of the greatest decisions of my life. You are an amazing husband, friend, father, and man of God. I couldn't image making this journey without you. Thank you for being my other half and giving me 5 beautiful babies. I love you!!

Clueless to the Inner Workings of Women

John and I were watching the movie about a woman whose brother is marrying her highschool rival (I think it is called "You Again") and there is a part where the main woman's mother shows up to the engagement party in this really pretty red dress looking super attractive. Then in walks in her ex best friend from hs who had become her rival wearing (GASP) the same dress. John in all his manly cluelessness of the inner working of a woman's brain asked me why that would upset them. His exact words was "if guys were to do that we would give each other a high five for looking awesome."

My poor, poor, clueless husband. Unfortunatly women are a little more (heck I will even say it) crazy. I then went on to explain to him that for most women that is not a compliment to see another woman in the same outfit we are in, because the whole time we are around them, what is usually going through our heads is "wonder who people think look better."

No wonder men have a hard time figuring out women. We are sometime difficult to understand. Today I told John that I didn't know what was wrong with Livie, that she seemed to be upset and whining for no reason. He goes "oh guess she is becoming a woman early." It was too funny and true to be offended.

Getting ALITTLE Frustrated!!

I have been making exercise a regular part of my daily routine. For the past 2 months, after lunch I lay the kids down for nap/quiet time while I exercise on most days. I started doing Zumba workouts and have been working up how long I can do it. I started off with the beginning 20 minute workouts and couldn't even make it through 10 minutes when I first started. The got through the whole 20 minutes. Worked up into the intermediate 20 minute workout and got through that also. Today I did the 45 minute intermediate workout and got through 38 minutes of it. It feels so good to sweat and work off some of my stress.

I also have been trying to do some toning and strength training on the Wii Fit game. I have been enjoying working out and feel really accomplished when I get through a workout. I even have noticed my body becoming more toned.

But I am a little frustrated about the scale. I will lose 2 lbs and then gain it back, lost a lb, gain it back throughout the month. So after 2 months of working out according to the wii fit scale today I weight a lbs more then I did when I started. How on earth is that possible. My clothes are fitting better, according to measurements I have lost inches, so why is the scale not showing any change. I so want to lose all my baby weight. Last time I started working out I lost 7 lbs in 2 weeks and kept it off while working out. But not this time. I am even eating less and craving better foods.

So really, WHAT IS THE DEAL!?!?

So I haven't posted in a while. It has been kinda crazy around here. The 2011-2012 school year is getting ready to begin which means extra stuff for us to get done. This year since I am the only one on the education committee that will be able to be at the school, I am overseeing it. Which is kinda a good thing. I have alot of stuff to do for admissions committee to get ready for the first day of school so being there through the week will give the chance to get it done.

I am so excited for the new school year. We have an amazing group of teachers and a great bunch of students. The Lord has blessed us extremely the last couple of years and saw us through changes in the school. Now we are at a point where we are seeing new leaders rising up, parents excited and more active in the school, and just an amazing attitude for this year. I can't wait to see all the kids again. I know the kids are extremely excited too.

Platte Valley Christian Academy this is going to be an amazing year!!!

My thoughts at the moment.

There are times when it is just better to remain silent then go off on a rant.

Believe me, right now I have many thoughts I could share with you. Frustrations about people and situations. Ane yes, this being my personal blog, I could share them if I wanted to. But it that really a blessing to you?! I mean, I don't really want to even think about them, so why would I burden you with them.

I am coming to realize as I grow older(yep I am at the ripe old age of 27, better get a walker) that knowledge is sometimes more of a burden then a blessing. Sometimes I would rather be in the dark. Ignorance sometimes is bliss. So there is my thought for the day. lol

Our Beloved!!

This morning I took the girls to church while John and the boys stayed home with Casey. I thought that I was possibly going to have to run the computer for service, but was pleasantly surprised that the person scheduled to run it would be at church this week. So instead of getting the computer ready during worship practice, I decided to sit in and enjoy the worship team practicing.

Turns out that the backup singers for worship were not going to be singing today, so I was asked to sing, which I haven't done in forever. Man did I enjoy it. Just singing during practice was uplifting and enjoyable, but God really showed up during the service worship and he spoke to my heart. I could feel him moving in the church, in the people, and blessing us. And the word that God gave me for this town, the youth of this city, was amazing. He said that this town has so much left to do, that the youth and my generation are going to rise up and take a stand for his name.

He also showed me a vision of his desire of each one of our relationship with him. He wants an intimate relationship with us, not something superficial, real and deep. We are his beloved, he is our bridegroom. I know some have a hard time thinking of God like this, because they think of it like a romantic relationship in the sense of a romantic relationship between 2 people. It is a romantic relationship in the sense of feelings of complete love and adoration. When God looks at us his heart skips a beat, he is completely and 100% crazy for us.

And here is what he showed me. Just as the first time we stand before our spouse naked and vunerable, hiding nothing, holding nothing back, God desires that we come to him naked(not litereally)and vunerable, not keeping any part of ourselves hidden, but be totally transparent and open with him. Just like you can't have a strong marriage if you have parts of your life you keep from your spouse, things you lie about. We can never have the deep, intimate relationship with Christ if we are not open and honest about our hurts, our desires, our thoughts, our dreams.
How amazing that we can have this type of love and relationship with our Savior!! God is so amazing!!

Walking with Jesus

Tonight in youth we read in Luke 24 about 2 men who were followers of Jesus who were traveling on a road on the third day after Jesus died on the cross and were upset because they felt their faith and trust in Jesus was misplaced and that he was not really the savior. And along comes a man who joined them in their travels and they told this man of what had happened with Jesus and how they were upset. And this man proceeded to speak scripture to them and speak life to them. This man was Jesus and even though they were followers of him, they did not know him. It was not until they asked him to join them for a rest and meal were their eyes opened.

How like us these men are! We are all on a walk with Jesus, some of us are at that stage in our walk where we are glancing over at this stranger wondering who this man is; others know him, but because of our disappointments in life we can not recognize him; and others are walking hand in hand with him.

To get to know someone in such an intimate way that you know their voice, the feel of their hand, to sense their very presence means you spend time with them. Your best friend does not become your best friend by never seeing or talking to them. You spend time with them, you pour your heart out to them and listen to what they have to say. This is how we get to know Jesus in a deep and intimate way too.