Nice little pity party today

 So it can be really hard for me to ask for help when I need it. I feel like past experiences have taught me that I am expected to be able to handle it all on my own without the help of others. If I ask for help believe me, I usually try to handle it myself first. I am really trying to be more open with my need for help, although I don't think I am doing very well.

My fear of.......well honestly rejection when asking for help is what really keeps me from asking. Rejection, judgement for needing help, and being viewed as a horrible wife, mother, person, etc.  I don't want to give the illusion that I am perfect at all, because I am absolutely not. I do however feel like I am expected to be by some. And by others I often feel like I am constantly being viewed as somehow lacking despite really, really, REALLY trying my hardest!! This is especially hard when you feel this judgement or rejection from someone you truly love and admire as a fellow woman of faith. I know honestly  most likely I am not being judged in the moments or rejected, but oh that is how it feels.

If I feel I am annoying someone, or viewed as expecting too much, or feeling judge, I pull back. I am coming to see that is a protection thing. Maybe if I don't ask too much, maybe if I don't call them as often, maybe then they wont view me as an annoyance. Honestly then it leaves me feeling so isolated. I don't do much outside of my household often. I love to be part of things, but I end up pulling back inside myself in an effort for self preservation and then feel even worst when no one seems to notice or care. 

Today has just become a hard day for me. At the moment I am back to thinking I will just stay in my little bubble at home, never talking to anyone, never reaching out for help, and never expecting to be viewed as special or wanted as anyone else. Even as I write this I know this is not true. These are my feelings, and feelings are not always truth. But then I hate how I always try to tell myself I am not allowed to feel because then I am not appreciating all I have, or I am not being fair to the other person, etc. 

Old Tattered Quilt

Today after talking to Ryan's case worker about all that has happened this week I was a little overwhelmed. On Monday Ryan's mom had sentencing for charges in Keith County that she pled no contest to last month. She had told us that there was no way they would put her in jail since she was having visits with Ryan here and was sure she would get probation. Well she was sentenced to 90 days with 22 days credit served and was transfered to the jail here in North Platte. I talked to Ryan's lawyer and she checked with the county attorney and found out that if Cindy is given credit for good time(I guess if you are good they give you extra days towards your sentence) then she could serve only 53 days which would be 31 days(I am not sure if that includes sitting out court costs) so she could be out the beginning of next month. Anyway this pushes back the goal date for reunification or adoption, which makes it feel like our time in limbo is being prolonged.

But after talking to the case worker I started having a moment of thinking about things and these are some thoughts I had, "What if we do adopt him and he: never views us as parents; comes to think we stole him from his mom; becomes resentful towards us and instead of helping to heal him he becomes worst; he grows up and never wants another thing to do with us once he is out of the house; his sometimes jealousy towards Alex just grows and becomes not just sometimes but a horrible obvious resentment, etc. See how crazy my mind was going. These are things that can happen even between our own bio kids, but for some reason with it being about a non-bio kid the worries are so much more in my face.

So here is what I have decided parenting is like....making a quilt. With your own kids you get to pick out the pattern, you decide how much time you put into it, if you want to do any special stitches to make it more beautiful, what kind of batting you want so it can be as soft and comfortable as possible, if you want to put the effort into making it a quilt that will withstand wear and tear or if it will fall apart. So in the end your quilt is what you make it. Your child is what you make them(to an extent, there comes a point when your child's choices are their own and  they become what they choose to become regardless of  your parenting whether good or bad.)

But with Ryan it is like I am being given a quilt that is ripped, tattered, worn thin, threads showing, and dirty and all I can think of is do I have the ability and love to re-enforce all the weak seams, to patch the holes with beautiful new fabric, to re-quilt with new batting, to lovingly wash taking special care on stains left behind. Do I have the ability to take a child who is so battered and broken in somewhat unobvious ways to the world and help him become the man God created him to be.

With my own kids I know that I make mistakes, we all do, but I love my kids, have been there from day one and I am the only mom that they have ever had and so I am not as worried about all the terrible choices they could make. It isn't like the fear I have that I might not be enough to change the pattern that has formed in Ryan's heart. I guess that is where I step back from trying to be the one that "fixes" him and allow God to heal the hurts.

I have found my joy!!

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. ~James 1:2-3

You know when I have read this in the past my first thought was "finding pure joy in trials, not likely" but as I opened my devotion book last night and read the entry and saw this verse as one of the book's key verses for the day, I finally truly understood.

It isn't meaning take joy in the pain of the trial, but to take joy in the comfort you find in the Lord during those times. With the Lord the impossibilities of any trial becomes possible. If we focus not on the hardness of the time, but on the peace and comfort that the Lord provides in those times, then we can feel joy.

Just think about when you were a child and were hurt and you found comfort in the loving arms of your mother. No matter what was happening, no matter how much you hurt, feeling you mother's arms around you, feeling her loving kiss on your forehead, you felt safe and completely loved. You knew you were not alone in your pain because you mother was hurting for you and TOGETHER you will get through it.

Now maybe some of you that never felt this as a child, maybe you had a hard childhood and your mother wasn't the one you found comfort in, but as a mother you can understand the true love of a mother's heart, and in this knowledge it is easier to grasp the depth of God's love for us, because there it no one in this whole world that has, does, or will love you more than God. No matter how much I love my precious children, God loves them infinately more than I even have the compacity to love them. So if I as a mother hurt when my children hurts and they can find refuge in my arms, how much more sufficient is the safety and comfort that I, in this time of trials and uncertainity, can find in the arms of Christ.

So no, I don't take joy IN the trial I am in, I take joy in the comfort that I find in my Heavenly Father's arms during this time. Because with His help, I WILL get through this and my dependance on Him will cause my faith to grow more than I ever imagined. And in that I find my joy! God is my joy!!

Ever have one of the days where your emotions are just a jumbled mess inside? You are acting irratically and horrible? You feel like crying at any moment? And the worst part is you know how horrible you are being but there is nothing you can do to stop it because you don't seem to be in control today?ou know it but there is nothing you can do about it, no matter how hard you try?

That is the kind of day I am having. I can't even say what set it off today. It isn't like the day started off bad or anything. I guess my only explination is that I am extremely tire, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I just feel bruised and battered today. I feel crushed and broken. I feel like all the emotion that I have been carrying around for the past couple of months is bubbling over. I hate days like this. I just want to crawl into bed and sleep for a while so that maybe I can be in a better mood. I want to lock myself away from other people so they don't have to deal with my cranky behavior.

Unfortunatly that isn't really an option today. It is my father-in-law's retirement party today. I just hate this because I caused a huge fight between me and John today with my attitude. I can't say that there wasn't reason for me to be a little irritated with the situation, but my horrible attitude made it ten times worst than it needed to be and I wounded John in the process.

I just wish that people would give me a little grace. I feel like I am expected to deal with sick kids for 2 weeks, stresses of normal life, added stress and duties from having Ryan live with us and keep up with all that I have to do at church and school and never let the stress get to me.