Nice little pity party today

 So it can be really hard for me to ask for help when I need it. I feel like past experiences have taught me that I am expected to be able to handle it all on my own without the help of others. If I ask for help believe me, I usually try to handle it myself first. I am really trying to be more open with my need for help, although I don't think I am doing very well.

My fear of.......well honestly rejection when asking for help is what really keeps me from asking. Rejection, judgement for needing help, and being viewed as a horrible wife, mother, person, etc.  I don't want to give the illusion that I am perfect at all, because I am absolutely not. I do however feel like I am expected to be by some. And by others I often feel like I am constantly being viewed as somehow lacking despite really, really, REALLY trying my hardest!! This is especially hard when you feel this judgement or rejection from someone you truly love and admire as a fellow woman of faith. I know honestly  most likely I am not being judged in the moments or rejected, but oh that is how it feels.

If I feel I am annoying someone, or viewed as expecting too much, or feeling judge, I pull back. I am coming to see that is a protection thing. Maybe if I don't ask too much, maybe if I don't call them as often, maybe then they wont view me as an annoyance. Honestly then it leaves me feeling so isolated. I don't do much outside of my household often. I love to be part of things, but I end up pulling back inside myself in an effort for self preservation and then feel even worst when no one seems to notice or care. 

Today has just become a hard day for me. At the moment I am back to thinking I will just stay in my little bubble at home, never talking to anyone, never reaching out for help, and never expecting to be viewed as special or wanted as anyone else. Even as I write this I know this is not true. These are my feelings, and feelings are not always truth. But then I hate how I always try to tell myself I am not allowed to feel because then I am not appreciating all I have, or I am not being fair to the other person, etc. 

 So earlier this week while reading my daily Bible reading, I got to pondering Heaven. Not the "what will Heaven be like" but thinking about all the souls in heaven. There are souls from so many different lifetimes. I wonder what it is like for someone from our lifetime and someone like Moses to interact. I mean our lives on earth, our Christian walk, our thought process, etc are so different. If I was in a room from someone that lives halfway around the world that is alive right now, we would be so different in probably almost every way. And that is someone living now. So what would it be like to interact with someone that lived thousands of years ago, in a very different place then the US? I mean can you imagine that?!

And then it got me thinking are we us in Heaven? I mean it seems kind of crazy to even think that we will be us in Heaven to me. I tend to think that our focus, our thought process, will be so changed from what it was here on earth. Our knowledge will most likely be so different, our thoughts will be soley on the eternal, not on the earthly. 

John and I were even talking about will we still be husband and wife in heaven, will we still have the relationships we have here on earth with others who go to heaven? I tend to think that while we might recognize each other as our spouse here on earth, the bond we had will not be the same. That's not to say that our relationships on earth don't matter, but in the eternality of Heaven I am not sure they matter like they do on earth.Like our thoughts will be so focused on God and worshipping Him, that all the human distractions will not be there anymore. 

Now I say this knowing I could be 100% wrong! And I say this absolutely loving my husband and my children and dreading the thought of not having them in my lives. I don't know what heaven will be like but I do know that it will be so much more amazing than I could ever imagine. There is a part of me that longs to be with my creator and king. I don't want to rush that time, but I look forward to Heaven and pray that when I get there, I get to see my precious babies I lost. I pray that even if we don't have the relationship I dream of, that God lets me hold them at least once when I get to Heaven. To be able to breathe in their scent and love on them just once. Just once will be enough for me.