Nice little pity party today

 So it can be really hard for me to ask for help when I need it. I feel like past experiences have taught me that I am expected to be able to handle it all on my own without the help of others. If I ask for help believe me, I usually try to handle it myself first. I am really trying to be more open with my need for help, although I don't think I am doing very well.

My fear of.......well honestly rejection when asking for help is what really keeps me from asking. Rejection, judgement for needing help, and being viewed as a horrible wife, mother, person, etc.  I don't want to give the illusion that I am perfect at all, because I am absolutely not. I do however feel like I am expected to be by some. And by others I often feel like I am constantly being viewed as somehow lacking despite really, really, REALLY trying my hardest!! This is especially hard when you feel this judgement or rejection from someone you truly love and admire as a fellow woman of faith. I know honestly  most likely I am not being judged in the moments or rejected, but oh that is how it feels.

If I feel I am annoying someone, or viewed as expecting too much, or feeling judge, I pull back. I am coming to see that is a protection thing. Maybe if I don't ask too much, maybe if I don't call them as often, maybe then they wont view me as an annoyance. Honestly then it leaves me feeling so isolated. I don't do much outside of my household often. I love to be part of things, but I end up pulling back inside myself in an effort for self preservation and then feel even worst when no one seems to notice or care. 

Today has just become a hard day for me. At the moment I am back to thinking I will just stay in my little bubble at home, never talking to anyone, never reaching out for help, and never expecting to be viewed as special or wanted as anyone else. Even as I write this I know this is not true. These are my feelings, and feelings are not always truth. But then I hate how I always try to tell myself I am not allowed to feel because then I am not appreciating all I have, or I am not being fair to the other person, etc. 

It isn't fair!!

I hate when babies die! It is so sad! I especially hate that there are good people who desperately want to have a baby, would love and cherish a baby and they loss baby after baby or can never have a baby. And then I think about all the kids out there that are precious treasures that are given to parents that abuse them, neglect them, don't want them and wonder where is the justice. I mean is someone HAS to loss a baby, why can't it be the druggies that never wanted to be pregnant in the first place or the woman who end up killing their babies after they are born? I am not saying I wish death on these babies, but what I am saying is that if someone has to feel the loss of a child, why can't it be the ones that don't care.

As you probably guessed a woman I know lost her baby today. This makes her 4th loss and her only living child's pregnancy was hard and she was born 2 months early. My heart grieves for this mom! She had to make the decision to let her baby go as the baby was born at 25 weeks and was totally dependant on life support. She has never known and will most likely never know what a easy, uncomplicated preganancy is, with an easy as possible labor and delivary and being able to leave the hospital with her newborn. To have her child from the very moments of birth be with her instead of in an incubator.

No what she is experiencing again is walking out of that hospital with empty arms and a broken heart and instead of being excited and she walks into her house where baby items wait to greet her, these items will be a reminder that her baby is gone. The birth of your child should be exciting and happy, not followed by the planning of a funeral.

No one should ever have to go through this, let alone 4 losses at different stages in her pregnanies. I praise God for the life of each and every child, even though it was short, and that this family is blessed with their 2 year old daughter. I just wish they had more time with their children. But I guess in the grand scheme of things, this time on earth is but a blink of an eye in eternity. Someday this mom and dad will have all 5 of their children gathered in their arms and they will worship the King of kings together. I know I look forward to the day I hold my Jacob in my arms and see his beautiful face again. It isn't goodbye, it is only see ya later. See ya later precious Bobbi Johanna Loostrom. You brought so much joy and happiness in the short time you were in your mommy's tummy and in the hours after you were born. Know you were very loved and wanted!

I have found my joy!!

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. ~James 1:2-3

You know when I have read this in the past my first thought was "finding pure joy in trials, not likely" but as I opened my devotion book last night and read the entry and saw this verse as one of the book's key verses for the day, I finally truly understood.

It isn't meaning take joy in the pain of the trial, but to take joy in the comfort you find in the Lord during those times. With the Lord the impossibilities of any trial becomes possible. If we focus not on the hardness of the time, but on the peace and comfort that the Lord provides in those times, then we can feel joy.

Just think about when you were a child and were hurt and you found comfort in the loving arms of your mother. No matter what was happening, no matter how much you hurt, feeling you mother's arms around you, feeling her loving kiss on your forehead, you felt safe and completely loved. You knew you were not alone in your pain because you mother was hurting for you and TOGETHER you will get through it.

Now maybe some of you that never felt this as a child, maybe you had a hard childhood and your mother wasn't the one you found comfort in, but as a mother you can understand the true love of a mother's heart, and in this knowledge it is easier to grasp the depth of God's love for us, because there it no one in this whole world that has, does, or will love you more than God. No matter how much I love my precious children, God loves them infinately more than I even have the compacity to love them. So if I as a mother hurt when my children hurts and they can find refuge in my arms, how much more sufficient is the safety and comfort that I, in this time of trials and uncertainity, can find in the arms of Christ.

So no, I don't take joy IN the trial I am in, I take joy in the comfort that I find in my Heavenly Father's arms during this time. Because with His help, I WILL get through this and my dependance on Him will cause my faith to grow more than I ever imagined. And in that I find my joy! God is my joy!!

1 year from now.......?

Today as I was picking up the living room, I came across some papers Ryan brought home from church Wednesday. I hadn't had a chance to look through them all, so I stopped to do that. One of the papers is for a time capsule that his class is preparing and his teacher is asking that each child fill out the sheet with answers to the questions she asked. Some of the questions were about what they hope to do in 1 year, 10 years, and 20 years. It just broke my heart, because when I think about 1 year from now for Ryan there is this huge neon question mark. I don't even know where he will be living one year from now.

Since going with us to Casey's he has been asking if we can go to Island Oasis in Grand Island, to Disney World, to the pizza factory in Lincoln, etc. Also if he can play soccer, go to summer camp, play baseball, etc. He is so much wanting stability, wanting to know what the future holds. I wish I had answers for him, I hate not knowing so I can only imagine what it is like for him.

I went into his room to put away clothes and I about cried because I don't know in a year if it will still be his room. I don't know what his future holds, but I pray that God keeps His hand on Ryan's life and gives him comfort and peace.

Praising God in the midst of this trial!

What a week it has been! We have been busy and stressed beyond belief. But praise the Lord that in the midst of this time of trial, that God is still on his throne. All this junk can be used for the glory of God in the long run if we just give it to him. Praise God for his mercy and grace He pours over us daily. He gives us strength that we could never have on our own and gives us the endurance for all of this.

Tomorrow is 4 weeks since Ryan has been in our home. I honestly couldn't imagine him not being here. He has fit into our family so well. Doesn't mean that there have not been struggles or issues, but it is going so much smoother than I thought it would. I am just praying that we can form the parent/child bond. Sometimes I wonder how he really feels about all this. Last night in wednesday night church they were talking about the relationship between their family(parents, siblings, the ones you live with) and I wondered how Ryan feels knowing he is living with his cousin and her family and having to explain that.

Tomorrow is also 4 weeks since Ryan's mom has had any contact with him. No phone calls, no asking for visits, nothing. I just find that extremely sad. I am praying that we are helping to feel the void that not having his mom here leaves. That he feels loved, wanted, and secure that he has a place in our family.

Today I went to the first appearance of Ryan's case. It was sad. You go into this room with other people whose cases are also going to be covered and so I saw the other side of this situation. I saw 2 parents very obviously not in a position to be the parents God desires them to be, looking like they are unable to care for their own basic needs let alone the needs of their child. I could see that they truly desired to be reunited with their child, but is that desire enough to motivate them to do what the courts will ask of them I don't know.

I was glad that I got to see this part though because at the moment I am very bitter towards those desire drugs over what is best for their children. We have opened our home, and our hearts to a child that has had a hard life. I have no clue what he has seen, but I am sure it would shock me. I am dealing with trying to heal this child whose life has been upset because of the love of drugs. I looked at these people praying that the Lord would convict them and change their hearts so their child does not have to live one more minute with drugs being top priority.

Then Ryan's case came up. It might not have been the best thing for me to go today, because I had just left the counselor's office where I was trying to get Ryan set up for counseling. Talking to the counselor made me realize just how affected Ryan could be by this all. How deep his hurts could be. It broke my heart and frankly ticked me off that a parent, my own aunt could do this to her child. Then to have to go to the court hearing and see that his mother didn't even show up. That Ryan isn't even worth showing up for. And to hear the man he thinks of as his dad to say via phone conversation that he isn't dad and never really acted as one.

This little boy has probably never been loved like he should. He doesn't know what it is like to know without a doubt that mommy is always there for you, because look at what has been his truth so far.

Please pray for our family. For Ryan that he comes to trust us, and in time love us like a child loves their parent and most importantly that he comes to know the Lord and trust him as his Savior. For John and I, that the Lord would give us the endurance to do what we feel God is calling us too. That we can come to love Ryan as our child and for wisdom in how to go day by day through this uncertian journey. And for our kids that they can adjust to open their hearts to Ryan and be ok with sharing their home and parents with another child. Please pray that we all can deal with the emotional rollercoaster that we are bound to go through throughout this time.

God loves them!!

From time to time I will get on the webpage for children in the Nebraska foster system who are available for adoption. I would love to one day be able to open our home and our hearts to a child that is in need of a forever family. It just breaks my heart that there are kids still on this page that I first saw on the page over a year and a half ago. And there are teens that are older that probably have little hope to be adopted. Most people when they think about adopting they want a younger child. It just breaks my heart.

And you never know why they are in the system, what their past is. Are they orphans who have no family able to support them? Were they abandoned? Were they taken away from their parents? Was their prior home live a nightmare? Have they been abused, emotionally, sexually, or physically? And the biggest question is this.....Do they know that they have a heavenly father that loves them? Do they know that God adores them, created them for a purpose, and has great desires for their lives?

It raises the question, could after being abused, abandoned, unloved for so long, could they ever open their hearts to accept the love God has for them?

Lord I pray for these precious treasures that are in need of love and a family. Lord, guide your people to open their lives and family to these orphans. You have called the church to care for the widows and the orphans. Lord, rise up your church to carry out this call. Lord, prepare our hearts.

Here are two kids who captured my heart, Chavon who is reaching the age of being out of the system and will continue her life with no forever family.
And Ethan who is a handsome little 4 year old boy, who dreams of a mommy and daddy to tuck him every night.

Goodbye Ben Franklin's!

Our local Ben Franklin's is closing which I find very sad. I don't get in there near as often as I would like. I used to go all the time to get different craft items, but since getting caught up in being a wife and mommy to 4 kids, I don't have time for crafts.

I actually worked there for many years, starting in 1999 when I was 15 until 2004. I started as a cashier, then frameshop, then craft manager. I love the customers, my coworkers, and just being among crafts. I still miss checking out people and working in the frameshop.

I am very sad that this store that has been serving the community for over 25 years will be closed at the end of the month! I pray that God would bless the loyal workers that have been there for over 10 years and that he would help them in their search for a new job.

My heart is heavy!

Well after not blogging for a while due to problems loading my page, I am now back.

I have to admit that tonight my heart is very heavy. My great aunt passed away last week, tomorrow is her funeral. And although you might be thinking my heart is heavy from sorrow over losing her, I have to tell you that is not the reason. In truth I bearly knew the woman. We would go and visit her every couple of months with my dad when I was very little. I don't even much about the woman really. I do remember thinking that her top looked very much like heavy iron balls. We used to joke about her boobs made of steel.

For a couple of years she spent months of every year planning a huge family reunion event for that side of the family. My dad would take us and it would be an awesome weekend full of games, swimming, food, and seeing family that we wouldn't otherwise see. Then she got to sick to do it anymore and there was never another one. I miss those reunions.

Then she went to visit her daughter and got so sick, she couldn't return home. So we never saw her again. Her sister would tell us once in a while how she was doing, but other than that I never heard or saw her again.

The reason I am so down is that fact that this woman was my aunt and I will not even notice her absence in my life. Which maybe isn't so strange for people, but it was really sad going to the funeral home and seeing her earthly body laying there, in a small room with only a bouquet of flowers and 3 roses, no pictures of her throughout her life, only a handful of people having signed the visitation book. I wonder if ANYONE will really notice her absence. I know her sister will miss her and I believe her daughter will too, but is there anyone that will be completely lost because she is gone? I mean she was God's beloved daughter, his treasure, the very one he sent his son to die on the cross for, and will her life mean little to people left behind?!

Now I know that she probably will be missed. Her sister will greatly miss her. And I am sure her daughter will grieve for her. It was just hard to walk into a room and see nothing to show what her life meant. Just saddens me that this something that happens daily in the world and we are so tuned into our lives, blind to those around us that we don't notice. Guess this has been a day of revelation to me that I am so wrapped up in my own world that I am blind to others alone and suffering.