Old Tattered Quilt

Today after talking to Ryan's case worker about all that has happened this week I was a little overwhelmed. On Monday Ryan's mom had sentencing for charges in Keith County that she pled no contest to last month. She had told us that there was no way they would put her in jail since she was having visits with Ryan here and was sure she would get probation. Well she was sentenced to 90 days with 22 days credit served and was transfered to the jail here in North Platte. I talked to Ryan's lawyer and she checked with the county attorney and found out that if Cindy is given credit for good time(I guess if you are good they give you extra days towards your sentence) then she could serve only 53 days which would be 31 days(I am not sure if that includes sitting out court costs) so she could be out the beginning of next month. Anyway this pushes back the goal date for reunification or adoption, which makes it feel like our time in limbo is being prolonged.

But after talking to the case worker I started having a moment of thinking about things and these are some thoughts I had, "What if we do adopt him and he: never views us as parents; comes to think we stole him from his mom; becomes resentful towards us and instead of helping to heal him he becomes worst; he grows up and never wants another thing to do with us once he is out of the house; his sometimes jealousy towards Alex just grows and becomes not just sometimes but a horrible obvious resentment, etc. See how crazy my mind was going. These are things that can happen even between our own bio kids, but for some reason with it being about a non-bio kid the worries are so much more in my face.

So here is what I have decided parenting is like....making a quilt. With your own kids you get to pick out the pattern, you decide how much time you put into it, if you want to do any special stitches to make it more beautiful, what kind of batting you want so it can be as soft and comfortable as possible, if you want to put the effort into making it a quilt that will withstand wear and tear or if it will fall apart. So in the end your quilt is what you make it. Your child is what you make them(to an extent, there comes a point when your child's choices are their own and  they become what they choose to become regardless of  your parenting whether good or bad.)

But with Ryan it is like I am being given a quilt that is ripped, tattered, worn thin, threads showing, and dirty and all I can think of is do I have the ability and love to re-enforce all the weak seams, to patch the holes with beautiful new fabric, to re-quilt with new batting, to lovingly wash taking special care on stains left behind. Do I have the ability to take a child who is so battered and broken in somewhat unobvious ways to the world and help him become the man God created him to be.

With my own kids I know that I make mistakes, we all do, but I love my kids, have been there from day one and I am the only mom that they have ever had and so I am not as worried about all the terrible choices they could make. It isn't like the fear I have that I might not be enough to change the pattern that has formed in Ryan's heart. I guess that is where I step back from trying to be the one that "fixes" him and allow God to heal the hurts.