Well 2011 is coming to an end in a couple of hours. It is not ending the way I expected. Was suppose to be having a nice romantic evening with John, instead he went to a hockey game and I was left at home with 4 of the 5 kids. Instead of destressing, I ended up more stressed out because the kids were acting crazy. That's kids for you, the times you really need them to be calm and well behaved is when they are all crazy and insane. Oh well, at least John had a nice evening.

Things I will miss when the kids are grown

1. Hearing "Mommy, you are the best mommy," from Kennedy and JJ.
2. Dancing with Livie as she sings to me about dolls.
3. Having Alex come up and give me a hard kiss on my cheek.
4. Alex saying "ACME" after watching Reba.(he doesn't do this anymore but when he was about 2 he did it all the time, and once even woke up in his sleep to say it."
5. Having JJ take my face in his hands and looking into my eyes and saying "I love you."
6. Seeing the kids eyes light up when they talk about something they are excited about.
7. Watching the kids laugh while being tickled.
8. Cuddling on the couch and watching a movie with ALL the kids on my lap.
9. Hearing the kids saying "Ewww" when they see John and I kiss and then coming up to get a kiss from both of us.
10. Having kids fall asleep on my chest.

Ryan has been having a hard time these past 2 weeks. He got to the point where from Sunday until about early afternoon today that he only wanted to lay around curled up with his coat on or under a blanket and sleep. He was no longer suffereing from a headache or stomach ache(he was getting physically ill from all the emotions he is bottling up) but he was just not motivated to do anything but lay around and sleep. He didn't want to interact with us or do anything, not even play xbox or play outside.

I have been trying to get him to come out of it, so when I was playing my Sims 3 game and he was really interested in it, I decided to let him create himself. So we set together and worked on his Sims person, got him a house, and then made him a wife. He seem to perk up after that. Played some xbox with Alex and even played around the house for a bit.

He also went to see his mom and he seemed to enjoy his visit, which I am so grateful for. I believe he does love his mother and wants to feel loved by her, but that he is afraid of the life he has lived with her being on drugs. I can understand his wanting acceptance and unconditional love from his mom, but knowing what it is normally like. That when she is on drugs, she isn't the same mom. And I am guessing he has seen her being on drugs more than not in recent years. And though he wants to believe things will be different, he fears that it is all just going to go back to the same old thing.

I totally get that, because I would LOVE to believe she is changing her life and she WILL stay clean. Unfortunatly I have seen her say all this 2 times already this year, just to have her run off twice after getting back into drugs, so I have little trust in her this time. I hope she proves us wrong and she stays clean forever. BUt I fear it is only a matter of time before she goes back to drugs and Ryan will be back in that life, afraid and alone with no way to deal with his emotions.

I just wish this was easier. That Ryan was more emotionally able to cope. That his mom wasn't such a good liar and so convincing, so you have little trust in what she says cause you know she can make you believe whatever she says. That she wasn't so caught up in this life, that getting out of it will possibly be too big of an obstacle that she might feel like just giving up and going back to drugs. That I didn't have this horrible fear that he will go back to live with her whether she has really changed or not and be subjected into whatever choices she makes.

I guess I really need to take this all to the Lord in prayer! He is so much more sufficiennt to handle this and praise God He truly cares!!

My Little Jet Plane

I love that my Lord and Savior cares so much about me that He shows that love through others. The Bible says that if we are children of God, then the love of Christ should show through us and we should be like a light. I have to say that my little JJ is definately a light when I am down. He shares the love of Christ with all he comes across, especially those that he senses are down and need encouragement.

All morning he has been telling me "Mommy, you are my favorite mommy," (I wanna know how many he has. lol), "Mommy, you are the best mommy," "Mommy I love you with my whole heart," "Mommy, you are so pretty and smell good," etc. He has been showering me with hugs and loves. I am so blessed that God gave me a son who has one of John's best traits, the gift of encouragement and affirmation.

JJ might be an extremely ornery child at times, but he knows how to melt your heart and share the love of Christ!!

I am a little tired of being labeled as judgmental or up on a pedestal for having certain views of families, being a parent, and the sanctity of marriage that differs from the world standard. When someone quotes God's commandment about not killing, no one questions or labels them as judgmental, but talk about not committing adultery and all the sudden you are judgmental, etc.

I know that there are many good people, great parents, great families that are made up of people who are not married, blended families, etc. I was raised by my mom and step dad and he was a really great dad. Didn't matter to me that he was a step dad. He didn't replace my bio dad, I was blessed with 2 dads. I have many friends and family that I have that are single parents, divorced, remarried, living together, etc. I might not agree with every choice they make in their personal, public, or family lives, but I love them just the same.

Just because we might be good parents and people doesn't mean that all the choices we make are right. I am sure there are plenty of things I do others don't agree with. But when I post something about families or marriage these comments are almost all about the world as a whole, not individuals.

Having been going to court has opened my eyes to a world I never knew existed. I mean we read about these kid of things but to sit in the room with a man who punched his niece in the face, or a woman who whipped her daughter with a bungie court and then tried choking her on numerous different times makes you wonder how things would be if the world did hold God's word closer to it's heart, His whole word, not just the parts that don't offend them. And believe me there are parts of God's word that when I hear it pricks my heart and makes me see things in my life that needs cut out.

To sit in a room with a woman who has made some horrible choices in her life that have had a HUGE impact on her child's life and hear her say it isn't fair to say that seeing her is causing her child's emotional problems makes you see the world different. To see the destruction sin can do. To realize that God's word is more than just words on a page, it is truth given to us to free us from the bondage of sin.

God's morals haven't changed!

Last night I posted on facebook this: "Today Kennedy told me she wants to be a mommy like me when she grows up. She goes "I wanna have one, two, three babies, but only one daddy." In todays society it is becoming pretty rare to have kids with only 1 father. It is kinda sad what has happened to families."  This was followed by replies by replies that sounded like they felt this was a comment directed at them. They talked about how blended families are good and that there is nothing wrong with families today.(I have nothing against blended families) Another woman who has 2 kids from different dad said that she agrees because it is hard to explain to kids and to be proud of having the treasure of one father to my kids.

Now here is my problem with this. It is my right to my own opinion. My post was not about anyone in particular, and I don't know why it was taken as such. And I do find it sad that God's respect of marriage and families has been disregarded by much of the world. The relationship between a man and wife is suppose to reflect the love Christ has for the church. Let's face it, in a good majority of marriages today that is NOT the case.

And so many people have disregarded marriage all together and get irritated when people stand up for God's vision. I am sorry marriage is sacred and sex outside of marriage is a SIN!! And I stand here saying this as a person who entered into this sin multiple times. I was wrong, I hurt God and my sin of sex before marriage put Christ on the cross.

It seems like in today's society people are so slow to admit and repent of their sin. Anyone who views sex outside of marriage is just being narrowminded and old fashion in their eyes. I am sorry, but just because more and more people are having sex outside of marriage and therefore more babies are born outside of marriage doesn't mean that God's commandments have changed. The world's morals have changed not God's!

5 Things Only I Seem To Be Aware Of

There are certain things around the house that I seem to be the only one that is aware of. Now some of these things John knows and does, but mostly I am the only one that seems to be in the know on these items.

1.   Socks do not mate themselves. And if you hide them under your bed, then soon or later you will be out of socks to mate.  And if you only wear them for an hour and you want to take them off, you can put them in your shoes to wear later. You don't have to put new socks on each time. There are days we go through 3 pairs of socks for each child.

2. If you have dogs in a house, you can not put down food on the floor or coffee tables and expect the dogs to NOT eat it. THEY ARE DOGS!! I can't not tell you how many times I hear "hey, where is my cookie(bread, sandwich, etc.)?!"

3. Light switches can go both ways. They do not only have an on position, the other position works too. It wouldn't have both positions if it wasn't meant to be used. Often when we leave the house I come home to find that EVERY light in the house was left on.

4.  If you DO NOT put your clothes in the laundry, they WILL NOT get washed. I am not going to go through your room daily to look under every piece of furniture in your room to search for your favorite shirt to make sure it is washed.

5. Trash has a home and it is NOT  the nearest table, counter, or the floor. I swear there are days where I could go around my house with a big garbage sack and fill the hole thing up with trash found on the floor or tables that the kids could have picked up.             

Now these are just a few of the things that I have noticed that the kids do not seem to get. It is really irritating. And I have noticed that even when I have the house picked up while the kids are in school. When they get home, the house suddenly looks dirty again. It is super frustrating!



Took the kids to Cody Park tonight to carol with Alex and JJ's school. Ryan and Livie weren't too interested in singing, but Alex and Kennedy loved it while JJ was on the fence. Then we had some hot chocolate, did some smores, rode the carosual and went on the hay rack ride. And the kids ended up seeing Santa, which was a hit with Kennedy. She told him he wanted fingernail polish.

Working on quilts

I have gotten back into quilting the past month. I have enjoyed it so much. I decided that I would really like to make quilts for each of the kids for Christmas next year. I figured if I worked on one every 2 months, I could get all the kids' done in time. I have not decided whether I am doing the quilting myself or taking it to the Quilt Rack. Personally I would love to get them professionally quilted by I have to see the price.

After seeing the case plan having a date of April 24th(it will be later than that most likely) as the date the state hopes to have him back with mom or adopted it made me realize I needed to get his done in advance just in case. That way IF he has to go home to his mom then I can give it to him before he leaves.

The funny thing is that he has no clue I am working on a quilt for him and he asks me almost every other day if I will make him a quilt. I just smirk and say "maybe someday" knowing that he will be so happy to get his own quilt from me.

Here is a picture of the quilt so far.

Mom vs. Wife

Pulled out a parent's magazine that I hadn't looked through yet tonight and was incrediably saddened by one of the mini articles.  "Mom vs. Wife, a surprising new survey inspires head-to-head deate: Which gig is more important?" was the title/subtitle.

Which gig is more important? I didn't know it was a either or question! Either work at being a good parent or work at being a good spouse is apparently the midset of the "millennials." Yep Americans under the age of 30 are refered to as the Millennials generation. The article said that the majority of MY generation place a higher value on raising kids than on getting married. 52% of adults 18-29 said that eing a good parent is "one of the most important things" in life and only 30% said the same on having a successful marriage.

They had a quote from an award winning blogge and author stating "I'd rather have my marriage fall apart than fail as a parent. An adult can pick up the pieces and move on after a bad marriage, but how do you 'fix' a child who has been neglected? Millennials know that they can raise happy, healthy children outside of marriage because they saw their own divorced parents do it. As a single mom, that gives me hope."

So apparently cultivating a successful marriage creates neglected children?! What?!?! I am sorry, but I can work on keeping a strong connection with my husband AND give my kids the love and support they need. It doesn't have to be one or the other.

You know what else this generation of children and young adults around the age of 21 is called? The fatherless generation!!

What has happened to marriage?

What has happened to marriage? I don't know whether the world views marriage as something that isn't needed in a relationship in today's morals or if they are viewing marriage as something binding and therefore don't want to get married because of what it means. I am just not sure.

I am really confused because marriage solidifies a relationship more than just living together. It gives children a sense of security. They have actually done studies that shows that children are more confident and secure in a family where their parents are married, then in single parent homes or homes where parents are not married. Now this is not to say that single parent homes are horrible, I understand that there are amazing single mothers and dads out there that are raising some great kids.

My confusion is how marriage seems to be null and void in the view of many people. I know people who have bought houses together and/or had children together and I want to ask, if you feel the desire to join into a contract that says we plan on being in each others lives for ever, why not get married?

I mean having a child is a huge step. I see in magazines about people in Hollywood that have been dating 5 months and are pregnant or trying to get pregnant, but they don't feel they need to rush marriage. Rush marriage?! Bringing a child into the world is fine but saying you want to be faithful and true to one another for the rest of your lives is to much to consider now. Seems to me you have it backwards!

Now I know this seems very judgemental, but I am sorry marriage is very important in God's eyes. It is sacred and I feel that child, houses, living together, sleeping together comes after marriage, not before or instead of. I am not saying those who choose not to get married are horrible people, but if you are sleeping with someone who is not your spouse, you are in sin. This is a sin that the world is becoming way to comfortable with! We all fall into sin, but praise God for repentance and the mercy Jesus' blood gives if we only choose to accept it.

365 Days of Christmas

Tonight was Platte Valley Academy's annual Christmas program. It was called "365 days of Christmas" and was so cute! The kids did such a good job! I was so proud to see my handsome little men up on the stage looking so cute in their suits.  I made all the kids dress up, so we were one good lookin' family tonight! It was a great night of fun and fellowship! Reminds me why I love PVCA so much!!

Here are some pictures:

Livie and her daddy

Kennedy, posing like a little princess

Mommy and Kennedy

 Me and John(hate how fat my face looks!)

 Ryan and me(even though he is making a face, he asked me to take a picture with him)

The kids singing.

What a good lookin' group!! Kennedy wasnt thrilled with getting her picture taken. lol

Little did I know

I remember holding Ryan when he was about 5 months old, hearing about the bizarre circumstances of his birth and the months that followed. Never did I imagine that the truth of his birth and the months that followed was even more bizarre. And that one day this precious child would be living within my home, a part of our family, and looking to us for the stability that he needs and desires.

Please be praying for our family and God's will in this situation. In the next 6-12 months, there will be much stress and big decisions to be made by the state, the courts, Ryan's mom, and us. I am praying that whether Ryan goes home to his mom, stays with us, or even goes to another home that it is God's will. That wherever is his forever home, that it would be a home filled with love, stability, and safety. The kind of home where he is nurtured and his parent/s help him heal from the wounds that has been inflicted on his young heart and soul.

What is a parent?

Sometimes I wonder what makes a parent in people's eyes?

Since having Ryan come to live in our home, my eyes have been opened to a whole new part of the world. A part of the world that I wish I did'nt know about.

Right now I am having a very hard time with the title parent just being thrown around. To me a parent is not necessarily a person that contributed to bringing a child into this world, but someone who puts the child's need before their own. Someone is there to support a child physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Someone who gives their time and love to showing a kid they are a blessing.

Just because someone created life in a drunken/drug induced act of lust doesn't make a parent. I don't think that a person should be given the right to walk in and out of a child's life whenever is good for them and demand their "rights." What about the child's right to a loving, nurturing home? A stable home with the support they need?

I am just having a hard time with this. Because yes, everyone can make bad decisions from time to time, but there is a HUGE difference between a true parent and a selfish "parent."