This week was a big week of getting things for the kids. John recieved his back paycheck, so we had a few items we planned to get. So we got Ryan and Alex bikes, helmets, and new shoes, and JJ and Kennedy got scooters(JJ has a bike and Kenna has a little bike), and we bought a replacement wheel and steering wheel for her little tikes car. That will keep them busy outside this summer. Of course we already have to change Ryan's tires. Little stinker went through a sticker patch.

We also replaced the xbox because the old one was in horrible shape. And Ryan also got new glasses, although his insurance paid for those.

So now our goal is to sod the backyard after 5 years of having a mud and weed mess back there this next week. Will be nice to have a nice backyard!!

I LOVE SPRING!!

So I am loving this weather!! I love spring!! It is so beautiful and refreshing to see all the plants start to bloom, trees start to get leaves, see the brown grass turn green. I love the weather usually, because it is warm, you can feel the sun warming your skin, but there is a slight breeze that keeps it cool. I love to just stop, close my eyes, and breathe in the fresh spring air. Every spring it just reminds me that God's mercies are new every day and season in your life.

Not long after we lost our first son Jacob, my grandma told me about when her sister lost a baby. It was a different time then, 60 years ago and we have grown so much in the understanding of mourning a pregnancy loss or stillborn.

My great aunt went into labor and after a long labor and delivary at home, her baby girl silently entered the world. At that time they felt it was best for the mother never to see the baby or hold it I guess, because her husband or some male relative(I forget what my grandma said) took that baby girl and buried her tiny silent body. I believe she said by a tree possibly in the cemetary if I remember right.

I couldn't imagine giving birth to my baby, the whole time waiting to hold that precious angel in my arms and when she is born silent, having her wisked away without being able to look at her precious little face. Now I don't know the details. Maybe the baby had been gone for a while and didn't look the best. I am sure her family truly thought this would be best. And maybe this is what my great aunt preferred. But I couldn't imagine not getting the chance to say goodbye.

Yes seeing Jacob and his tiny, lifeless body was hard. Knowing that he should have still been growing in my womb, safe and healthy. But hard as it was, I wanted to see my baby. We counted his fingers and toes, held him in our hands, and cried for him. There was something healing in seeing our precious baby and knowing that we would see him again in heaven.

Memories

What's does it take for a moment in your life to be a forever memory? I was thinking about this today after talking with Ryan. There are some memories I have of my childhood that might to others be no big deal, to them it might not be worth remembering. So what does it take to file away a moment into your brain for the rest of your life.

I think for the most part it is the feelings that you experienced with that moment. It isn't always a good feeling, sometimes a moment is forever burned into your mind because of the feeling of fear, sadness, or hurt.

So this has me questioning what are some memories that I have from my childhood. I have many good and bad, some that bring a smile to my face and others that still make me feel like that little hurt child. Sometimes I feel like for me the bad memories from when I was younger seem so much more vivid than the good. Which is funny because as I get older I sometimes have a hard time remembering fights John and I had or something that happened to hurt me. It will take someone mentioning something to even make me remember those adult bad moments. Weird right?!

So I started thinking of memories from childhood that make me smile.

• I remember walking out in the rain at our old house and enjoying the fresh smell.
• I remember playing outside with my brother and sister on the patios. Our house had a back patio, front patio, and side patio and they were all connect by sidewalks and I can remember us pretending the sidewalks were secret passage ways in a castle and we would escape from the dungeon.
• I remember walking up and down the street from my grandma's and our house and talking to myself about things. This has always been a way I worked through things. Little did I know God was listening the whole time.
• I remember the cabin my grandpa built us. It was the most perfect little log cabin with 2 windows and we would play house in it. One chilly day, I took my little kitty in there along with a thermos of hot tea and pretended that I lived inthe woods all my myself. I had a rocking chair in there and my kitty and I stayed cuddled up in a blanket all warm. My brother and sister and I would also use this as a jail and lock each other in it. lol
• I remember pulling out all my barbies in my grandma's living room and playing all afternoon while her and grandpa watched the soaps and napped. We would take up the whole living room, we had so many barbies
• I remember using my grandparent's dining room as my personal sewing station. Grandpa used to tease me he was running a sweat shop. lol
• I remember buying a 6 pack and a pound with my dad when he would get us for visits once and a while and we would sit in the part and eat it before going to Grandmas.

I wonder what memories John and I are leaving with our kids. When they look back at their childhood, will they have lots of fond memories of us being happy, or will they have to rack their brains to search for a good memory of us. I think our kids will have good memories for the most parts. Bad memories will be remembered too I am sure. But I hope that when my kids tell their kids about their childhood they tell their kids about how every so often we would have family night and get a papa murphy's pizza and get a movie and turn out all the lights and enjoy being a family. Or that sometimes we go grab subways and go to the park for a picnic. Or how we enjoy laughing and lots of hugs. How mommy will cry over sad movies and they make fun of me. How mommy and daddy hug and kiss all the time and the kids tell us how gross we are. That we have love, lots of love and not a day goes by without hearing I love you said in this house. Those are the memories I hope my kids remember.

It isn't fair!!

I hate when babies die! It is so sad! I especially hate that there are good people who desperately want to have a baby, would love and cherish a baby and they loss baby after baby or can never have a baby. And then I think about all the kids out there that are precious treasures that are given to parents that abuse them, neglect them, don't want them and wonder where is the justice. I mean is someone HAS to loss a baby, why can't it be the druggies that never wanted to be pregnant in the first place or the woman who end up killing their babies after they are born? I am not saying I wish death on these babies, but what I am saying is that if someone has to feel the loss of a child, why can't it be the ones that don't care.

As you probably guessed a woman I know lost her baby today. This makes her 4th loss and her only living child's pregnancy was hard and she was born 2 months early. My heart grieves for this mom! She had to make the decision to let her baby go as the baby was born at 25 weeks and was totally dependant on life support. She has never known and will most likely never know what a easy, uncomplicated preganancy is, with an easy as possible labor and delivary and being able to leave the hospital with her newborn. To have her child from the very moments of birth be with her instead of in an incubator.

No what she is experiencing again is walking out of that hospital with empty arms and a broken heart and instead of being excited and she walks into her house where baby items wait to greet her, these items will be a reminder that her baby is gone. The birth of your child should be exciting and happy, not followed by the planning of a funeral.

No one should ever have to go through this, let alone 4 losses at different stages in her pregnanies. I praise God for the life of each and every child, even though it was short, and that this family is blessed with their 2 year old daughter. I just wish they had more time with their children. But I guess in the grand scheme of things, this time on earth is but a blink of an eye in eternity. Someday this mom and dad will have all 5 of their children gathered in their arms and they will worship the King of kings together. I know I look forward to the day I hold my Jacob in my arms and see his beautiful face again. It isn't goodbye, it is only see ya later. See ya later precious Bobbi Johanna Loostrom. You brought so much joy and happiness in the short time you were in your mommy's tummy and in the hours after you were born. Know you were very loved and wanted!

I am done!!

I had something said to me that really hurt me and makes me question why this would even be thought. I will not tell you the context it was said it but what was said is basically I/me and John were just waiting for this person to step aside for a moment so we could sweep in and take the power and be in charge. Now there has been multiple instance in the past years where we have been in a situation where something happens where we are asked/expected to carry on something after others leave and/or mess up and have to be removed or have time to work things out. None of this was in anyway our doing and often we were blindsided by the need for us to step up. But yet we have stepped up multiple times. It is never easy and sometimes not even something we neccasarily wanted to do at the time, but yet that is what was needed. And I can tell you everytime our motives have been questioned. And frankly I am sick of it!!

I didn't ask to have to pick up the pieces TWICE after 2 different youth leaders compromised themselves and the ministry and had to be asked to leave. I didn't ask for my aunt to turn to drugs and us to asked to open our home to Ryan. I haven't asked to be one that rises up to carry on in all these cases. I feel like I/we are being viewed badly and having our motives questioned because we have the ability to step up in a hard situation and try to make it work. Like our ability to do this, means it was our plan the whole time. Would it make people feel better about us if we crumbles and fell apart? Because believe me you can only be questioned so many times before you start to build up a wall!! Until you start to feel like what it the point in trying or caring!!

I don't know what it is about me that is threatening or abrasive. I try to do what I am called to do, to do it to bring glory to the Lord and also honor the responsibility that the task requires, but after being condemned or questioned so many times, I lose my desire to even try. Let somebody else try to do it.

I found out this morning that a friend of my best friend was killed in a car accident yesterday. She was driving on the highway and apparently didnt see the bus that was stopped at a railroad crossing and ran into it at full speed. This just made it so much more real to me knowing that this woman was a close friend of my best friend. My friend has talked to me in the past about this friend and her loss of 3 babies and other things. I didn't know this woman but I knew about her, prayed for her and her pregnancies, including her current one.

It made me realize how you never know when your last day is. You could wake up tomorrow and a horrible accident could happen and your family could have to continue their life without you. It is so sad and surreal! Makes me so sad! Please pray for the family of this young wife and mother. I am sure her husband and 3 year old daughter will have some hard and dark days to face.

So as many of you probably know, my husband and I are addicted to coca-cola. But recently I just don't much of a desire to drink it. I went from having at least 2 big fountain cokes a day to not even half a coke each day. For about a week now, I have no real desire to have a coke. I have been just craving water. Even when I have coffee, I don't finish it and have a glass of water with it. It is really strange. I don't know what is going on with me. But hey, maybe it will help with my weight loss goal.

Big Fall for Such a Little Girl

Had a bad scare today. JJ came to me and told me Livie had fallen. At that point I didn't hear any hysterical crying so I didn't figure it was a bad fall, but as I got closer to the boys' room she was crying really, really hard. JJ was even crying because of how badly she was crying.

Come to find out she fell off the top of the ladder as she was trying to climb over the railing on Alex's bed. She fell down on her back onto the wooden flooring. So of course I rushed her off to the Urgent Care. After seeing the doctor there, getting a cat scan, and seeing the doctor again we were told that she looked good. Her cat scan showed no bleeds, but he warned us that sometimes there can be really small bleeds that the scan doesn't pick up so we are to watch her carefully.

It is scary knowing my baby fell from about 6 ft up. Praise God she is ok.