9 years ago

Nine years ago today, I held my little tiny baby boy's lifeless body in the palm of my hand. My first baby. A baby I so desperately wanted and couldn't believe he was taken from me before I even got to hold him.

I was only 15 weeks pregnant, past the 12 week mark which means I was suppose to be in the clear. The baby would be ok, I mean that is what I always thought. I now know that women lose babies at all stages of pregnancy, but until this moment I was young and blissfully naive to the realities of pregnancy lose.

I still remember the whole situation so well. It is both a blessing and a curse. It is hard to remember, to go back to the pain, it seems that it would be better to just forget it. But since I was so early in my pregnancy and never really got to enjoy all the fun parts, the baby moving around, watching my belly jump and look like an alien was trying to pop out, etc, this would be the end of it all. This event, though horrible and so sad, would be the last event I got to have with my beautiful baby.

We didn't know if the baby was a boy or girl, and I am so thankful that God made it very obvious after he was born. We named him Jacob Robert, the name we had picked out from the beginning for a boy. We had someone suggest we save that name for our next boy and pick something else, since we loved it so much, but we choose to give him the name. He was and still is our first son. We love him and chose that name for him.

He was so perfect. 10 toes and 10 fingers. A little mouth that was so precious and oh so tiny. He was only 4 inches long and by the time he was weighed was only 3/4 of an ounce. Apparently babies will lose weight in the womb and at this stage after being delivered after they have passed. Another thing I never knew....before, I sure know it now.

I remember feeling like I had failed my baby. Like it was my fault, that somehow my body was the reason we had to say goodbye to our baby. I now know that it is just one of those things that can happen. I remember fearing I would never have a baby to take home, never kiss my baby as it sleeps in my arms.

As I look back on this day that was probably the worst day of my life to date, I am so greatful to God. Not that my Jacob died, but that God brought us through it. And I would like to believe that God used it to make me love my children I have been blessed with since more than if Jacob would have lived. I praise God for the blessing of Jacob and our 5 other children. We have been blessed more than I ever imagined!