Been a good day today. Woke up and made the kids scrambled eggs and then while I washed dishes, they cleaned up their rooms. Then after John got up and around we went to the children's museum. The kids had a blast, but man they need to get something to absorb some of the sound, because with 5 kids running around in there it was very loud!!

Then we went to Wendy's for lunch. After that we ran to Walmart(that part wasn't fun, because I stayed in the car with all 5 kids, it reminded me of when my sister in law would have be tag along to leave me in the car with her kids. lol) so John could get a few groceries. Then we came home and put the younger 3 kids down for naps.

Revelation

Sometimes you come to a place in your life where things that have been right in front of you suddenly come into focus. Today I had one of those days. I was washing dishes while listening to a song that I have heard a million times and one part said something about am I really wanting God's will or am I stuck on my own will or stuck in the middle. I can't remember the exact verses right now, but it just sunk in.

In order to be able to allow God's will to take place in our lives, it requires sacrifice. Sacrificing our dreams and desires and allowing God's to become ours, sacrificing time to spend with God, in His word, and praising him, sacrificing anything that we have allowed to become idols in our lives.

I have to admit these past months I haven't felt as close to God. I have stepped out of the intimacy with Him. And here I am wondering why things seem off. It is because I am not allowing God full access lately.

Some of the reason is all the craziness of having Ryan as our foster child and dealing with all that that entails. But some of it is just that I have gotten hurt and somewhat burned out  from the school and from church and when that happens I pull away from God. It is stupid, but it is the truth.

So tonight I pulled out my Bible, which I am not proud to admit, has not been on my reading list lately, and I sit down before opening to a page and prayed. I prayed that God would guide me, that my will would be His will, and that He would transform my heart and fill me up.

As I sit there praying I could feel God's presense in a way I hadn't taken the time to feel in a long time. I realized our conversations have been one sided lately.

Then I opened my Bible and God guided me to Psalms 9, I believe and His word talked about how God created man just under angels and that He truly cares for us. It spoke to me. That even though I am human, God, the creater Himself, finds me beautiful and worth pursuing.

Easter Weekend

We had a nice Easter weekend.Saturday we ended up dyeing eggs with all the kids. It was fun to see what colors the kids ended up doing and we had some very pretty and colorful eggs after we were all done.

 Sunday we went to church and then went to my inlaw's for lunch, which was good because Pat fixed foods that we were able to eat on our HCG diet. We had a nice lunch and then Pat and I played Spite and Malice which we haven't played in forever, while John and the kids played soccer outside. Then the kids watched Hop and Chipwreck which they recieved as joint gifts for Easter. Bob even took Ryan and Alex for a ride in the ambulance and then they went to Buffalo school for a while and played on the playground. It was a nice and lazy kinda day.

This week was a big week of getting things for the kids. John recieved his back paycheck, so we had a few items we planned to get. So we got Ryan and Alex bikes, helmets, and new shoes, and JJ and Kennedy got scooters(JJ has a bike and Kenna has a little bike), and we bought a replacement wheel and steering wheel for her little tikes car. That will keep them busy outside this summer. Of course we already have to change Ryan's tires. Little stinker went through a sticker patch.

We also replaced the xbox because the old one was in horrible shape. And Ryan also got new glasses, although his insurance paid for those.

So now our goal is to sod the backyard after 5 years of having a mud and weed mess back there this next week. Will be nice to have a nice backyard!!

I LOVE SPRING!!

So I am loving this weather!! I love spring!! It is so beautiful and refreshing to see all the plants start to bloom, trees start to get leaves, see the brown grass turn green. I love the weather usually, because it is warm, you can feel the sun warming your skin, but there is a slight breeze that keeps it cool. I love to just stop, close my eyes, and breathe in the fresh spring air. Every spring it just reminds me that God's mercies are new every day and season in your life.

Not long after we lost our first son Jacob, my grandma told me about when her sister lost a baby. It was a different time then, 60 years ago and we have grown so much in the understanding of mourning a pregnancy loss or stillborn.

My great aunt went into labor and after a long labor and delivary at home, her baby girl silently entered the world. At that time they felt it was best for the mother never to see the baby or hold it I guess, because her husband or some male relative(I forget what my grandma said) took that baby girl and buried her tiny silent body. I believe she said by a tree possibly in the cemetary if I remember right.

I couldn't imagine giving birth to my baby, the whole time waiting to hold that precious angel in my arms and when she is born silent, having her wisked away without being able to look at her precious little face. Now I don't know the details. Maybe the baby had been gone for a while and didn't look the best. I am sure her family truly thought this would be best. And maybe this is what my great aunt preferred. But I couldn't imagine not getting the chance to say goodbye.

Yes seeing Jacob and his tiny, lifeless body was hard. Knowing that he should have still been growing in my womb, safe and healthy. But hard as it was, I wanted to see my baby. We counted his fingers and toes, held him in our hands, and cried for him. There was something healing in seeing our precious baby and knowing that we would see him again in heaven.

Memories

What's does it take for a moment in your life to be a forever memory? I was thinking about this today after talking with Ryan. There are some memories I have of my childhood that might to others be no big deal, to them it might not be worth remembering. So what does it take to file away a moment into your brain for the rest of your life.

I think for the most part it is the feelings that you experienced with that moment. It isn't always a good feeling, sometimes a moment is forever burned into your mind because of the feeling of fear, sadness, or hurt.

So this has me questioning what are some memories that I have from my childhood. I have many good and bad, some that bring a smile to my face and others that still make me feel like that little hurt child. Sometimes I feel like for me the bad memories from when I was younger seem so much more vivid than the good. Which is funny because as I get older I sometimes have a hard time remembering fights John and I had or something that happened to hurt me. It will take someone mentioning something to even make me remember those adult bad moments. Weird right?!

So I started thinking of memories from childhood that make me smile.

• I remember walking out in the rain at our old house and enjoying the fresh smell.
• I remember playing outside with my brother and sister on the patios. Our house had a back patio, front patio, and side patio and they were all connect by sidewalks and I can remember us pretending the sidewalks were secret passage ways in a castle and we would escape from the dungeon.
• I remember walking up and down the street from my grandma's and our house and talking to myself about things. This has always been a way I worked through things. Little did I know God was listening the whole time.
• I remember the cabin my grandpa built us. It was the most perfect little log cabin with 2 windows and we would play house in it. One chilly day, I took my little kitty in there along with a thermos of hot tea and pretended that I lived inthe woods all my myself. I had a rocking chair in there and my kitty and I stayed cuddled up in a blanket all warm. My brother and sister and I would also use this as a jail and lock each other in it. lol
• I remember pulling out all my barbies in my grandma's living room and playing all afternoon while her and grandpa watched the soaps and napped. We would take up the whole living room, we had so many barbies
• I remember using my grandparent's dining room as my personal sewing station. Grandpa used to tease me he was running a sweat shop. lol
• I remember buying a 6 pack and a pound with my dad when he would get us for visits once and a while and we would sit in the part and eat it before going to Grandmas.

I wonder what memories John and I are leaving with our kids. When they look back at their childhood, will they have lots of fond memories of us being happy, or will they have to rack their brains to search for a good memory of us. I think our kids will have good memories for the most parts. Bad memories will be remembered too I am sure. But I hope that when my kids tell their kids about their childhood they tell their kids about how every so often we would have family night and get a papa murphy's pizza and get a movie and turn out all the lights and enjoy being a family. Or that sometimes we go grab subways and go to the park for a picnic. Or how we enjoy laughing and lots of hugs. How mommy will cry over sad movies and they make fun of me. How mommy and daddy hug and kiss all the time and the kids tell us how gross we are. That we have love, lots of love and not a day goes by without hearing I love you said in this house. Those are the memories I hope my kids remember.