Yesterday was kind of a hard day for mentally and emotionally. Nothing huge happened really in my day, but I had a hard emotional and mental day for sure. It all started because John took the van for an oil change. We had noticed something was leaking and didn't want to put it off, so we had them check that out too. So we need a new water pump on the van.
Now do we have the money for it? Yes, when we received the stimulus we put money aside to pay off 2 debts and put money into savings, so the money is there. I was so upset though internally. On the outside I was saying "it's no big deal" and internally I was really struggling. This is just ANOTHER things that widdled away at that money. So after this we can not pay off one of the debts, and possibly not all of the second either. I was feeling absolutely overwhelmed by this.
Now if you don't know me, I struggle with allowing myself to feel feelings like this. In my mind it ends up being a big battle between my human feelings that it is understandable and feeling like by having these feelings that I am not grateful to God, that I don't trust his sovereignty, that I don't see the blessing in HAVING the money in the moment of need. Then I feel horrible about myself and feel like my faith is in my finances, myself, fill in the blank and not truly in God SIMPLY BY HAVING THESE FEELINGS.
Then I felt horrible and overwhelmed even more. I just needed to spend time sewing and praying. Then I started feeling bad that my sewing business has been pretty slow in the past year or 2 and while I appreciated the slowdown when things were very hectic in life, I would love to see it pick up again. Then I was questioning is this what God still has for me to do with the talent he gave me? Is his desire no longer for me to have my business? Did I do something to dishonor him in my business practice? Did I lose sight of his blessings in my business? Then I felt horrible about questioning God about that.
So this morning I just continued to pray on this and really searching why I am like this with my feelings. Why I feel like human feelings are dishonoring to God? Isn't not like he is going to smite me for feeling overwhelmed or upset?
I really think it has to do with my feeling of needing to be as perfect as I possibly can, even though I know that is absolutely impossible!!! Is this a need I desire in myself? No, not by choice. Growing up I heard "so you think you are so perfect, don't you?!" in some various form often. It was a taunt, a cruel poke at how imperfect I truly am. I have often tried to justify why this was said to me, try to take away the sting of it, and all my faults that would be listed. To make it not affect me so much. It left me feeling like I HAD to be perfect. I was expected to be perfect. Maybe if I was perfect, or as close as I could come to it, I would be worthy of love.
Looking back as a mother, I look back on young me and my heart breaks at that thought. I remember how I used to just wish I could know what people were thinking, know WHY they said the things they said, did the things they did, acted the way they acted. Maybe then knowing the why, they couldn't hurt me so much.
I know God has worked on my heart so much. I see so much growth in my life, in my relationship with him and those around me. This area of feeling I need to be perfect, or as close as I can be, to receive love is the area I probably need the most healing!! The most work on. What would that even look like? How could that even happen? Would I even be open to working on that, to be vulnerable and allow God to work on possibly the deepest hurt in my heart. The thing that so affects EVERY aspect of me in some way. Who would I be without this?
This was such a early hurt, thought process that took root long, long ago. I imagine it being a huge underground weed that has vines reaching out thru out me touching every part of my life. When I pull a huge week from my yard, I really have to get to the root of the issue to take of the problem. It disrupts the ground horribly, it is not a pretty sight afterwards without alot of care shown to the damage. How do I do that in my life? I really don't know.
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