Nice little pity party today

 So it can be really hard for me to ask for help when I need it. I feel like past experiences have taught me that I am expected to be able to handle it all on my own without the help of others. If I ask for help believe me, I usually try to handle it myself first. I am really trying to be more open with my need for help, although I don't think I am doing very well.

My fear of.......well honestly rejection when asking for help is what really keeps me from asking. Rejection, judgement for needing help, and being viewed as a horrible wife, mother, person, etc.  I don't want to give the illusion that I am perfect at all, because I am absolutely not. I do however feel like I am expected to be by some. And by others I often feel like I am constantly being viewed as somehow lacking despite really, really, REALLY trying my hardest!! This is especially hard when you feel this judgement or rejection from someone you truly love and admire as a fellow woman of faith. I know honestly  most likely I am not being judged in the moments or rejected, but oh that is how it feels.

If I feel I am annoying someone, or viewed as expecting too much, or feeling judge, I pull back. I am coming to see that is a protection thing. Maybe if I don't ask too much, maybe if I don't call them as often, maybe then they wont view me as an annoyance. Honestly then it leaves me feeling so isolated. I don't do much outside of my household often. I love to be part of things, but I end up pulling back inside myself in an effort for self preservation and then feel even worst when no one seems to notice or care. 

Today has just become a hard day for me. At the moment I am back to thinking I will just stay in my little bubble at home, never talking to anyone, never reaching out for help, and never expecting to be viewed as special or wanted as anyone else. Even as I write this I know this is not true. These are my feelings, and feelings are not always truth. But then I hate how I always try to tell myself I am not allowed to feel because then I am not appreciating all I have, or I am not being fair to the other person, etc. 

It's February!!!

 It's February 1st of 2021!! That seems absolutely insane to me. Sometimes it seems I get so wrapped up in the day to day of our family life that when I stop and think about it I realize that weeks, maybe even months have passed in a blink of an eye. Yet while going thru it, it seemed to pass so slowly. It seems to weird how time can seem to barely move, yet in the same sense go by without you realizing it!!

So I started January with sitting down and making a few goals for 2021 but really sitting more goals for the month. I wrote them down and hoped to stay on track and achieve them all. Well some I did. I did keep up on my daily Bible reading, both our family and my personal. Now don't get me wrong I got behind a few days here and there but worked hard on only letting 1-2 days to go by before catching up. Our family Bible reading we are about 3 days behind now, but the important thing is we are doing it!! I also worked on the girls room a bit with their help and I was finally able to get purple buckets for Addy's clothes. I still need to label all of their buckets and get the room decluttered again. 

I did even accomplish some of my business goals. I did make it a priority to clean up my sewing room every week, I did my January Etsy stocking and I am working on my February stocking.

Other things I didn't acheive. I did not make it the whole month with any pop.....but I did make it 26 days and I honestly feel no shame over not making it the whole month!! I celebrated with a nice cold Mountain Dew. lol

I also did not lose the weight goal I had set. In fact despite losing 3 lbs, thanks to our carb heavy day yesterday(totally worth it because I ate yummy Casey's pizza!! Plus it was yum box day and Kennedy made me waffles for lunch. I regret nothing!!) I was only down .2 lbs this morning. Well maybe next month will be better. lol

I did not meet my sales goal for my business which was a bummer. It especially stinks that I haven't sold anything from my January stocking yet. I am really upset over this. My Facebook page and my Etsy shop just isn't doing as good as it used to. It has made me really question my work and my product, but I know that is just doubt talking and not the truth. I am trusting this is what God has for me right now, and praying maybe craft shows will be more my thing this year.

So I have two choices when looking back over my goals for last month and all I didn't accomplish or what I only partially accomplished. I could just give up setting goals. Say screw it and just act like it is no big deal and that I am not upset about it. Or I can acknowledge I wish I had been able to accomplish the goals I feel upset about, and move forward. Tweak my goals, look at ways to adjust what I am doing to see it I can do better. And set more goals for February. Even if I once again fall short in some areas, I am sure I will see growth in other areas!! 

Side note: This little booger cost us $500 last week. The poor guy was super sick and has bad kidneys. If you would please pray for our Olaf we would appreciate it. He really is an amazing cat and we love him to pieces!! He is doing better now, but this is the second time in 6 months he got that sick and honestly I don't think he ever really recovered the last time. He is on different food now and has some extra treatments scheduled in the future to help reflush out his kidneys so hopefully the stay healthy this time. 

 So earlier this week while reading my daily Bible reading, I got to pondering Heaven. Not the "what will Heaven be like" but thinking about all the souls in heaven. There are souls from so many different lifetimes. I wonder what it is like for someone from our lifetime and someone like Moses to interact. I mean our lives on earth, our Christian walk, our thought process, etc are so different. If I was in a room from someone that lives halfway around the world that is alive right now, we would be so different in probably almost every way. And that is someone living now. So what would it be like to interact with someone that lived thousands of years ago, in a very different place then the US? I mean can you imagine that?!

And then it got me thinking are we us in Heaven? I mean it seems kind of crazy to even think that we will be us in Heaven to me. I tend to think that our focus, our thought process, will be so changed from what it was here on earth. Our knowledge will most likely be so different, our thoughts will be soley on the eternal, not on the earthly. 

John and I were even talking about will we still be husband and wife in heaven, will we still have the relationships we have here on earth with others who go to heaven? I tend to think that while we might recognize each other as our spouse here on earth, the bond we had will not be the same. That's not to say that our relationships on earth don't matter, but in the eternality of Heaven I am not sure they matter like they do on earth.Like our thoughts will be so focused on God and worshipping Him, that all the human distractions will not be there anymore. 

Now I say this knowing I could be 100% wrong! And I say this absolutely loving my husband and my children and dreading the thought of not having them in my lives. I don't know what heaven will be like but I do know that it will be so much more amazing than I could ever imagine. There is a part of me that longs to be with my creator and king. I don't want to rush that time, but I look forward to Heaven and pray that when I get there, I get to see my precious babies I lost. I pray that even if we don't have the relationship I dream of, that God lets me hold them at least once when I get to Heaven. To be able to breathe in their scent and love on them just once. Just once will be enough for me. 

Deep thoughts

I am going to be vulnerable with you today, knowing that most likely this will never be read, so maybe my  "baring it all" wont be seen. lol

Yesterday was kind of a hard day for mentally and emotionally. Nothing huge happened really in my day, but I had a hard emotional and mental day for sure. It all started because John took the van for an oil change. We had noticed something was leaking and didn't want to put it off, so we had them check that out too. So we need a new water pump on the van. 

Now do we have the money for it? Yes, when we received the stimulus we put money aside to pay off 2 debts and put money into savings, so the money is there. I was so upset though internally. On the outside I was saying "it's no big deal" and internally I was really struggling. This is just ANOTHER things that widdled away at that money. So after this we can not pay off one of the debts, and possibly not all of the second either. I was feeling absolutely overwhelmed by this. 

Now if you don't know me, I struggle with allowing myself to feel feelings like this. In my mind it ends up being a big battle between my human feelings that it is understandable and feeling like by having these feelings that I am not grateful to God, that I don't trust his sovereignty, that I don't see the blessing in HAVING the money in the moment of need. Then I feel horrible about myself and feel like my faith is in my finances, myself, fill in the blank and not truly in God SIMPLY BY HAVING THESE FEELINGS. 

Then I felt horrible and overwhelmed even more. I just needed to spend time sewing and praying. Then I started feeling bad that my sewing business has been pretty slow in the past year or 2 and while I appreciated the slowdown when things were very hectic in life, I would love to see it pick up again. Then I was questioning is this what God still has for me to do with the talent he gave me? Is his desire no longer for me to have my business? Did I do something to dishonor him in my business practice? Did I lose sight of his blessings in my business? Then I felt horrible about questioning God about that.

So this morning I just continued to pray on this and really searching why I am like this with my feelings. Why I feel like human feelings are dishonoring to God? Isn't not like he is going to smite me for feeling overwhelmed or upset?

I really think it has to do with my feeling of needing to be as perfect as I possibly can, even though I know that is absolutely impossible!!! Is this a need I desire in myself? No, not by choice. Growing up I heard "so you think you are so perfect, don't you?!" in some various form often. It was a taunt, a cruel poke at how imperfect I truly am. I have often tried to justify why this was said to me, try to take away the sting of it, and all my faults that would be listed. To make it not affect me so much. It left me feeling like I HAD to be perfect. I was expected to be perfect. Maybe if I was perfect, or as close as I could come to it, I would be worthy of love. 

Looking back as a mother, I look back on young me and my heart breaks at that thought. I remember how I used to just wish I could know what people were thinking, know WHY they said the things they said, did the things they did, acted the way they acted. Maybe then knowing the why, they couldn't hurt me so much. 

I know God has worked on my heart so much. I see so much growth in my life, in my relationship with him and those around me. This area of feeling I need to be perfect, or as close as I can be, to receive love is the area I probably need the most healing!! The most work on. What would that even look like? How could that even happen? Would I even be open to working on that, to be vulnerable and allow God to work on possibly the deepest hurt in my heart. The thing that so affects EVERY aspect of me in some way. Who would I be without this? 

This was such a early hurt, thought process that took root long, long ago. I imagine it being a huge underground weed that has vines reaching out thru out me touching every part of my life. When I pull a huge week from my yard, I really have to get to the root of the issue to take of the problem. It disrupts the ground horribly, it is not a pretty sight afterwards without alot of care shown to the damage. How do I do that in my life? I really don't know. 

Emmalee turns 8!!

 Well birthdays in the Schimek household are over for a while. Emmalee's birthday marked 4 birthdays for our household in a month, plus 4 grandparents birthdays, Christmas, and New Years all in the timeframe makes for a jam packed month. Expensive too!! Thank you Lord for opening our eyes to budgeting!!

So today is our sweet Emmalee's birthday. I can't believe that 8 years ago I was cuddling my new baby girl in my arms and right now as I write this she is sitting her eating a bowl of cereal and talking to her sisters. 

We have tried to make it a point of making our kiddos birthdays special. Thru out the years how we do that has changed to fit John's work schedule, budgets, etc. We used to do special birthday breakfast when John worked afternoons(4-midnight), for a while we did birthday parties with inviting friends and classmates. Now what we do is dinner at the birthday child's choice of restaurant, then cake and presents at home with just us and the kiddos and sometimes a good friend. This works well for us and the kids really enjoy it. They feel special picking where to go and what cake they want. Sometimes they want a homemade cake, sometimes we buy one. As I get older I see that its not about how big of presents we buy, or having a huge birthday party. Those things are just fine. But for us and our kids, it really is about how special and loved they feel on their day. 

This year Emmalee changed things up!! She picked Qdoba for dinner and picked a homemade chocolate cake with chocolate frosting and topped with chocolate frosting and chocolate covered coffee beans, which she and her friend help decorate. She enjoyed her night!! She had requested I make her a unicorn shirt. I found this beautiful dress with a plain white top and beautiful pink tulle with silver unicorns for the skirt. I bought a super cute svg file of Etsy and put it on with my cricut and heat press. I did her hair up all cute and we topped it with a JoJo bow. She looked like the beautiful princess she is!!

 

I don't know about you but in our household we struggle with attitudes and behaviors in ours. And I would love to say that it is in the kiddos only and that my husband and I NEVER have bad attitudes or behaviors. But alas that is not true, not by a long shot.

I have really been thinking on why we get stuck in a pattern of bad attitudes and behaviors. How it is that those nasty comments, nasty attitudes, and all around nastiness can so easily take over our lives, our families, our hearts. 

One big huge reason I think is we end up justify our bad behaviors and bad attitudes. We get to a point where we are so easily offended, so easily upset that we feel justified in being nasty, in being in a bad attitude. Our inner voice loves to scream why we are justified for our actions!! And how dare anyone question our justification!!! 

I don't know about you but I find that this justification leaves me exhausted!! Being in a bad mood and so easily offended all the time steals our joy! It disrupts our homes!! It can ruin marriages!! That justification can leave us bitter and miserable, and even make us cruel to those we love.

One thing I tell my kiddos is that we can't control others actions and attitudes, but we can control ours. The problem is while we CAN control our actions and attitudes, so often we end up justifying why we DON'T. Giving reasons why it is completely understandable.

I have been praying that God changes this in me. That He gives me a renewed attitude and heart. Honestly I didn't really start actively praying for this until I already saw evidence of this happening in my heart already. When I already noticed a change and I saw how much freedom was in that change. I don't want to be so shackled to my attitude of justification, which also means shackled in my anger, bad attitude, fill in the blank, that I lose all joy in my life. 

I am not meaning that we don't have reasons to be annoyed in situations from time to time, or being angry over something is wrong. But I notice so often something that really should only mildly annoying before could make me so absolutely angry. And why? Because I felt justified in my anger.

Last night John and I went out for dessert. I really wanted this particular dessert from a particular restaurant, so that is where we went. We go to order and low and behold they are out of said dessert. Now this could have made me really upset, I mean I wanted that dessert, I came for THAT dessert my inner justification could have screamed. Yet I wasn't upset, I actually was 100% ok and chose another dessert that had grabbed my eye.....then about 5 minutes later the waiter was walking towards our table. I commented to John "I bet he is going to say they are out of my dessert." And they were. 

Now again my inner child could have screamed that I was justified to be upset, to be nasty to the waiter, to refuse to tip him for having the audacity to not only be out of one dessert I wanted but TWO!! But my response....I laughed out loud. Seriously I laughed out loud. And I ordered a third dessert that sounded amazing. And it was. 

Now I tell you this not to sound all amazing and thinking I am better than anyone who might have been offended, but because I am absolutely amazed and appreciative of this change in my heart. The change that God has been doing. I don't want to be a person who looks for ways I have been offended, wronged, or am justified to be in a bad mood, because you know what? I could always find a reason to be offended, wronged in someway, or justified for being in a bad mood. I want to find reasons to be happy, to see the blessings around me, reasons to smile and thank God for this change in my heart. 

You know what is super annoying to me? When I go to put trash into the trash can and the bag is falling down and I notice people have just been tossing things on top of it. You know who else this annoys? My boys whose job it is to take out the trash. The crazy thing is that the reason it is falling down is their fault. I have told them time and time again when putting in the bag, if they put the bag in with the seams going to the sides of the can, it stretches and stays secure. If they put the bag with seams to the front and back, for whatever reason the bag just doesn't stay secure. Every time I tell them this they roll their eyes and huff, but yet they don't seem to get it, it hasn't fully sunk in. Thus the bag keeps falling down from time to time.

I keep asking my husband "someday they will get it right?" Lamenting to my other mommy friends, praying to God "please let my children become capable adults." You know the cries that most parents at one point or another have cried. lol. And then I see them show me that they are learning. They might put in the trash bag wrong from time to time, they might leave their clothes all over the bathroom floor after getting dressed, they might just walk off not wiping down the counters after doing dishes from time to time. 

BUT there are days where they see the trash needs taken out and do it without asking. There are days when I come home from running errands they all rallied together and cleaned the main parts of the house(happened once but man it was awesome.) There are days when they girls are told to pick up their room and they clean it so good and without any fighting. 

There is hope!!! They are learning!!! And they just might become capable adults yet. :)

 Hi,

So it's been a while. Like 6 years and 2 months. Well there have been some changes, like we have 7 kiddos now not 5, our kiddos are older, I would like to think my husband and I are wiser but honestly who knows. lol. I feel like life is just revolving phases sometimes. There are phases of wisdom and phases of "what were we thinking." Such is life. :)

I decided I wanted to start blogging again because I have been having alot of thoughts and internal dialog with myself and with God lately. I am a "got to talk it out" type of person. Not necessarily with other people, I just need to talk things out, sometimes out loud and sometimes just in my head. I have always been like that. I remember being a young girl walking the short walk from our house down a couple houses to Grandma's and talking things out as I go. I had many a good talks with myself and ultimately with God on the short walk.

Anyway I feel like I am in a place where I desire conversation with others, or maybe just to get them to ponder things that maybe they never thought about before. I am coming to see that depending on where we are in our lives, in a healthy spot or maybe in a really hard spot, our thoughts might be different on topics that we viewed in another light before. 

So basically I am wanting to start blogging again for a place for my ramblings. lol. My thoughts that I find inspiring, or the funny moments of my life with 7 kiddos, or maybe even my low moments. I don't know if anyone will read this ever. Maybe someone will.  My intent isn't to even necessarily to have anyone read it. I just felt having a place to write and maybe, just maybe, reach someone, put a smile on someone's face, or even make someone go "well at least I have it more together than her," might be worth while. 

I plan to go back and read my past posts and see what I felt lead to write in the past. Isn't it crazy how sometimes reading our past thoughts and words are like we are seeing them for the first time. That they seem like they are someone else's words. How we can change so much in life.