Ever have one of the days where your emotions are just a jumbled mess inside? You are acting irratically and horrible? You feel like crying at any moment? And the worst part is you know how horrible you are being but there is nothing you can do to stop it because you don't seem to be in control today?ou know it but there is nothing you can do about it, no matter how hard you try?

That is the kind of day I am having. I can't even say what set it off today. It isn't like the day started off bad or anything. I guess my only explination is that I am extremely tire, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I just feel bruised and battered today. I feel crushed and broken. I feel like all the emotion that I have been carrying around for the past couple of months is bubbling over. I hate days like this. I just want to crawl into bed and sleep for a while so that maybe I can be in a better mood. I want to lock myself away from other people so they don't have to deal with my cranky behavior.

Unfortunatly that isn't really an option today. It is my father-in-law's retirement party today. I just hate this because I caused a huge fight between me and John today with my attitude. I can't say that there wasn't reason for me to be a little irritated with the situation, but my horrible attitude made it ten times worst than it needed to be and I wounded John in the process.

I just wish that people would give me a little grace. I feel like I am expected to deal with sick kids for 2 weeks, stresses of normal life, added stress and duties from having Ryan live with us and keep up with all that I have to do at church and school and never let the stress get to me.

Stupid Human!!!

I have been trying so hard to carry on with our normal life that we had before our new addition of Ryan. And it has been crazy. Trying to continue doing all that others expect me to be able to do. To do all the school stuff and church stuff, along with all the appointments for kids, housework, and normal mommy duties. It has been downright exhausting. And I have been losing sight of myself. I don't even feel I have time to exercise in the day, because I feel too tired when I have some down time. I don't even manage to find time to spend in God's word lately. I have gotten to the point where I feel I am too overwhelmed to spend time in my Creator's word, how screwed up is that. No wonder I feel overwhelmed. He is my refuge, my strength. Yes I am still leaning on him, but I haven't been searching His word. But I am amazed at how through this time of my being too overwhelmed to seek His face in His word(I say this while rolling my eyes at my humanist stupidity) He is ever faithful. He is in the midst of this, continuing to lovingly bring me into obidence with His will. Praise God for my King of kings. Without Him I can do nothing, but through Him I can do all things!

1 year from now.......?

Today as I was picking up the living room, I came across some papers Ryan brought home from church Wednesday. I hadn't had a chance to look through them all, so I stopped to do that. One of the papers is for a time capsule that his class is preparing and his teacher is asking that each child fill out the sheet with answers to the questions she asked. Some of the questions were about what they hope to do in 1 year, 10 years, and 20 years. It just broke my heart, because when I think about 1 year from now for Ryan there is this huge neon question mark. I don't even know where he will be living one year from now.

Since going with us to Casey's he has been asking if we can go to Island Oasis in Grand Island, to Disney World, to the pizza factory in Lincoln, etc. Also if he can play soccer, go to summer camp, play baseball, etc. He is so much wanting stability, wanting to know what the future holds. I wish I had answers for him, I hate not knowing so I can only imagine what it is like for him.

I went into his room to put away clothes and I about cried because I don't know in a year if it will still be his room. I don't know what his future holds, but I pray that God keeps His hand on Ryan's life and gives him comfort and peace.

I think the most frustrating thing that I am dealing with right now as far as having Ryan is the not knowing. Not knowing what is going to happen. Not knowing how long we will blessed with him in our home. How long we will have the ability to love and care for him.

But through all this I think something that I am coming to realize is that there are so many kids that need a home to come to when they are in the time of their unknown future. I definately believe that we will consider being foster parents again whether we keep Ryan or not. I don't think it will be until the kids get older, but I think that this is something God has placed on my heart for a reason.

Long, LONG Day!

Today was such a long and tiring day. This morning we had a situation brought to our attention regarding Alex and JJ at school and we made the decision to have it handle the way it should have been in the first place. Which meant our boy's both recieved a red tally at school. This meant that our boys were sent home for the rest of the day. Hopefully they understand that hitting is not tolerated!

Then I had to take Ryan to Dr. Kimzey to have him tested for ADHD. Found out while I was there, that he has seen him twice before and previously diagnosised him with ADHD, as well as Asperger's and Tourette's. Well his test this time came back as having ADHD, which we all kinda guessed. So tomorrow I take him in to get on medicine. The only thing is that even though he has ADHD, I don't necessarily feel that he NEEDS the medicine. Especially since we now know he has asperger's and an emotional age of an infant to 2. Those both add to his short attention. I don't see where medicine is necessary to help him function more effictivaly. I think it is more of an issue that the meds would help him be calmer and less of a disruption to his class. I just don't want to see him become a zombie, so he isn't so hyper. Just praying God's hand in all this and that we can get him on the right dosage for him to remain the happy, silly boy he is.

Then I recieved a letter from his mom, and it wasn't the most "uplifting" letter. I guess the easiest way to discribe her view of me is that she hates God and views those who are believers as judgemental and having a "better than you" attitude. She doesn't realize that my faith is an actual relationship with God and isn't just for making myself appear better. Just praying that she will come to know God. I just don't know how to deal with someone who is going to take anything you say as judgement.

Since the boys were in trouble(and Livie is super cranky due to having diahrrea that is making her bottom hurt), I sent John and Ryan to church and I kept the other 4 kids home. They were acting pretty naughty(dumped over 4 baskets of folded clothes and throwing them around) I sent them to be early, so here I set enjoying the quiet after a long day. Praise God for some down time.