Deep thoughts that have been on my heart

 It really amazes...no that's not the right word....astounds me......not it either.....Ok it really confuddles me how people can go thru similar situations and walk away with complete opposite thoughts and beliefs from those situations.

I was talking to someone recently and someone they know and love grew up in an abusive home. Such a sad thing honestly how many children grow up in an abusive home. Seriously sometimes I wonder why such people were ever blessed with children, when they just end up abusing them in horrible ways. Sometimes I just don't understand things.

Anyway this person they love grew up in an abusive home and they walked away from that situation with the thought "God cannot be a loving god because of what I went thru." Now I grew up with abuse in the house. I am not going to go into details, but yeah it was there and it really left scars on my siblings and me. From an early age I have always had the unshakeable knowledge that "God IS a loving god because of what I went thru." I can remember one instance when I was an extremely young child, probably around 3-4 based on details I remember, and I was laying on my bed, maybe down for a nap and I just remember saying to myself, "God is real and He is watching over and protecting me." I had absolute faith that there was no way that God wasn't real and a real god would not put me in this position without being there watching over me. Looking back at that, I am amazed that at such a tender age, I just knew. That knowledge, that faith that God is real and He is my God!! That faith has never wavered and I can point that unwavering faith all back to THAT moment in THAT trailer house when that little itty bitty girl put her faith in a God that she knew was real and had no question that He loved her. 

And I know that this person my friend loves was in a worst situation than me from the sounds of it. Child abuse is horrible but there are some cases that just are absolute evil. I don't say that to diminish what happened to me or to any other person who was abused as a child, whether it be physical, mental, emotional, sexual abuse. Abusing a child is vile and wrong. And it can leave lasting scars....scars that show themselves again and again even long after you thought they had healed. 

I know that it might be hard to imagine a loving God, a loving heavenly father, if those who were suppose to be the ones who loved you where the ones that abused you. Hard to trust when the hand that was suppose to hold you and protect you, was the hand that beat you and abused you.

This morning as I was thinking on this I got this imagine of my little almost 3 month old. He is getting to the age where he can grasp things and boy can he hold on. I thought what if that's what we would be like with God as far as our need for Him, our desire for relationship with Him, like a little baby. When we are scared and just need comfort, we grasp onto Him, clenching His robe tightly in our hands, knowing that in His arms, we are safe. When we are tired, just like a little baby completely content and oblivious to the world, we find rest in His arms. When we need a good cry, like a little baby crying knowing mommy will rock and pat our backs, we allow ourselves to fall apart in His arms. 

That is how imagine God to be. I imagine that He is like the person that my little babies viewed me to be. They would find comfort, peace, love, acceptance, rest in my arms. Our little Addilyn has started preschool recently and it is a long day for her and every evening I hear "I just need Mommy". What if we were like that. After a long day, how often do I say "I just need God"? Not often honestly even though He is exactly what I need.

So I got a little off track there from my original thought. But honestly I pray that this person that is dear to my good good friend, and all those that have childhood scars find your comfort, your rest, your peace in God. He is a good loving heavenly father. I promise you. I know sometimes trust is a hard things after bad things happen to us by people we should have been able to trust. Even when the world seems cruel, even when the world hurts you, please know that there is a great God who loves you absolutely and completely. 

I thought she would never die

 I miss my grandma. 

My grandma dying never seemed like a possibility.  Logically I knew she was older....94. And I know everyone dies eventually.  But honestly I just expected her to always be here. She would for forever be my constant in my life. I just couldn't imagine her not being here.

She died at the end of February.  

It happened so fast in my mind and yet was probably obviously coming to everyone else. Sure she had been really sick and had been in the hospital but she had been in that situation and made a full recovery before. I had resolved myself to the fact she probably wouldn't go back home. We had talked about it, Grandma and I. About how it was probably best for her to remain in the nursing home so she could receive the help she needed and hopefully not be so lonely. She wanted to be home again and I wanted that for her, but we both knew that just wasn't going to happen. 

But I never thought goodbye was coming. I am just thankful that we got those weeks to say goodbye instead of the rushed goodbye in the hospital. 

I never expected after leaving the nursing home that Thursday and seeing her in the state she was, that I would only see her one more time to say goodbye. I called Mom to let her know Grandma was having a rough day but NEVER thought she was actually dying. All I remember was that look at her face as she looked up from having her head in her hands and looking at me and Addilyn but not really seeing us and just praying that she rest and feeling better. 

The next day I took JJ, Kennedy,  and Emmalee to say goodbye. Looking at her in that bed, looking so tiny and so frail, I just knew. This time was different.  This was goodbye. We shared memories of Grandma, I told the kids memories from my childhood, played the song she often played on our way to elementary school, we prayed over her, held her hand, and told her how much we loved her. 

Mom called me not 15 minutes after we left and Grandma was gone. I like to think that she was waiting for me to say goodbye one last time know how hard this would be for me.

We got close in these last few years, Grandma and me. She was always a bit part of my life, but in the past few years she was an ever bigger part. 

Oh I miss her. School started this week. I would call her basically every morning after dropping the kids at school to chat. Some days she would be the only adult other than John I talked to. Or I would stop by her house and we would chat while she ate breakfast.  

I still think about calling her all the time. I would call her all the time to tell her about random stuff throughout the day. I think it gave us both someone to just connect with daily. 

Now she is gone....and it feels like there is a hole in my life.  I wonder if she ever really know how much she meant to me?! I sure hope so. 

Nice little pity party today

 So it can be really hard for me to ask for help when I need it. I feel like past experiences have taught me that I am expected to be able to handle it all on my own without the help of others. If I ask for help believe me, I usually try to handle it myself first. I am really trying to be more open with my need for help, although I don't think I am doing very well.

My fear of.......well honestly rejection when asking for help is what really keeps me from asking. Rejection, judgement for needing help, and being viewed as a horrible wife, mother, person, etc.  I don't want to give the illusion that I am perfect at all, because I am absolutely not. I do however feel like I am expected to be by some. And by others I often feel like I am constantly being viewed as somehow lacking despite really, really, REALLY trying my hardest!! This is especially hard when you feel this judgement or rejection from someone you truly love and admire as a fellow woman of faith. I know honestly  most likely I am not being judged in the moments or rejected, but oh that is how it feels.

If I feel I am annoying someone, or viewed as expecting too much, or feeling judge, I pull back. I am coming to see that is a protection thing. Maybe if I don't ask too much, maybe if I don't call them as often, maybe then they wont view me as an annoyance. Honestly then it leaves me feeling so isolated. I don't do much outside of my household often. I love to be part of things, but I end up pulling back inside myself in an effort for self preservation and then feel even worst when no one seems to notice or care. 

Today has just become a hard day for me. At the moment I am back to thinking I will just stay in my little bubble at home, never talking to anyone, never reaching out for help, and never expecting to be viewed as special or wanted as anyone else. Even as I write this I know this is not true. These are my feelings, and feelings are not always truth. But then I hate how I always try to tell myself I am not allowed to feel because then I am not appreciating all I have, or I am not being fair to the other person, etc. 

It's February!!!

 It's February 1st of 2021!! That seems absolutely insane to me. Sometimes it seems I get so wrapped up in the day to day of our family life that when I stop and think about it I realize that weeks, maybe even months have passed in a blink of an eye. Yet while going thru it, it seemed to pass so slowly. It seems to weird how time can seem to barely move, yet in the same sense go by without you realizing it!!

So I started January with sitting down and making a few goals for 2021 but really sitting more goals for the month. I wrote them down and hoped to stay on track and achieve them all. Well some I did. I did keep up on my daily Bible reading, both our family and my personal. Now don't get me wrong I got behind a few days here and there but worked hard on only letting 1-2 days to go by before catching up. Our family Bible reading we are about 3 days behind now, but the important thing is we are doing it!! I also worked on the girls room a bit with their help and I was finally able to get purple buckets for Addy's clothes. I still need to label all of their buckets and get the room decluttered again. 

I did even accomplish some of my business goals. I did make it a priority to clean up my sewing room every week, I did my January Etsy stocking and I am working on my February stocking.

Other things I didn't acheive. I did not make it the whole month with any pop.....but I did make it 26 days and I honestly feel no shame over not making it the whole month!! I celebrated with a nice cold Mountain Dew. lol

I also did not lose the weight goal I had set. In fact despite losing 3 lbs, thanks to our carb heavy day yesterday(totally worth it because I ate yummy Casey's pizza!! Plus it was yum box day and Kennedy made me waffles for lunch. I regret nothing!!) I was only down .2 lbs this morning. Well maybe next month will be better. lol

I did not meet my sales goal for my business which was a bummer. It especially stinks that I haven't sold anything from my January stocking yet. I am really upset over this. My Facebook page and my Etsy shop just isn't doing as good as it used to. It has made me really question my work and my product, but I know that is just doubt talking and not the truth. I am trusting this is what God has for me right now, and praying maybe craft shows will be more my thing this year.

So I have two choices when looking back over my goals for last month and all I didn't accomplish or what I only partially accomplished. I could just give up setting goals. Say screw it and just act like it is no big deal and that I am not upset about it. Or I can acknowledge I wish I had been able to accomplish the goals I feel upset about, and move forward. Tweak my goals, look at ways to adjust what I am doing to see it I can do better. And set more goals for February. Even if I once again fall short in some areas, I am sure I will see growth in other areas!! 

Side note: This little booger cost us $500 last week. The poor guy was super sick and has bad kidneys. If you would please pray for our Olaf we would appreciate it. He really is an amazing cat and we love him to pieces!! He is doing better now, but this is the second time in 6 months he got that sick and honestly I don't think he ever really recovered the last time. He is on different food now and has some extra treatments scheduled in the future to help reflush out his kidneys so hopefully the stay healthy this time. 

 So earlier this week while reading my daily Bible reading, I got to pondering Heaven. Not the "what will Heaven be like" but thinking about all the souls in heaven. There are souls from so many different lifetimes. I wonder what it is like for someone from our lifetime and someone like Moses to interact. I mean our lives on earth, our Christian walk, our thought process, etc are so different. If I was in a room from someone that lives halfway around the world that is alive right now, we would be so different in probably almost every way. And that is someone living now. So what would it be like to interact with someone that lived thousands of years ago, in a very different place then the US? I mean can you imagine that?!

And then it got me thinking are we us in Heaven? I mean it seems kind of crazy to even think that we will be us in Heaven to me. I tend to think that our focus, our thought process, will be so changed from what it was here on earth. Our knowledge will most likely be so different, our thoughts will be soley on the eternal, not on the earthly. 

John and I were even talking about will we still be husband and wife in heaven, will we still have the relationships we have here on earth with others who go to heaven? I tend to think that while we might recognize each other as our spouse here on earth, the bond we had will not be the same. That's not to say that our relationships on earth don't matter, but in the eternality of Heaven I am not sure they matter like they do on earth.Like our thoughts will be so focused on God and worshipping Him, that all the human distractions will not be there anymore. 

Now I say this knowing I could be 100% wrong! And I say this absolutely loving my husband and my children and dreading the thought of not having them in my lives. I don't know what heaven will be like but I do know that it will be so much more amazing than I could ever imagine. There is a part of me that longs to be with my creator and king. I don't want to rush that time, but I look forward to Heaven and pray that when I get there, I get to see my precious babies I lost. I pray that even if we don't have the relationship I dream of, that God lets me hold them at least once when I get to Heaven. To be able to breathe in their scent and love on them just once. Just once will be enough for me. 

Deep thoughts

I am going to be vulnerable with you today, knowing that most likely this will never be read, so maybe my  "baring it all" wont be seen. lol

Yesterday was kind of a hard day for mentally and emotionally. Nothing huge happened really in my day, but I had a hard emotional and mental day for sure. It all started because John took the van for an oil change. We had noticed something was leaking and didn't want to put it off, so we had them check that out too. So we need a new water pump on the van. 

Now do we have the money for it? Yes, when we received the stimulus we put money aside to pay off 2 debts and put money into savings, so the money is there. I was so upset though internally. On the outside I was saying "it's no big deal" and internally I was really struggling. This is just ANOTHER things that widdled away at that money. So after this we can not pay off one of the debts, and possibly not all of the second either. I was feeling absolutely overwhelmed by this. 

Now if you don't know me, I struggle with allowing myself to feel feelings like this. In my mind it ends up being a big battle between my human feelings that it is understandable and feeling like by having these feelings that I am not grateful to God, that I don't trust his sovereignty, that I don't see the blessing in HAVING the money in the moment of need. Then I feel horrible about myself and feel like my faith is in my finances, myself, fill in the blank and not truly in God SIMPLY BY HAVING THESE FEELINGS. 

Then I felt horrible and overwhelmed even more. I just needed to spend time sewing and praying. Then I started feeling bad that my sewing business has been pretty slow in the past year or 2 and while I appreciated the slowdown when things were very hectic in life, I would love to see it pick up again. Then I was questioning is this what God still has for me to do with the talent he gave me? Is his desire no longer for me to have my business? Did I do something to dishonor him in my business practice? Did I lose sight of his blessings in my business? Then I felt horrible about questioning God about that.

So this morning I just continued to pray on this and really searching why I am like this with my feelings. Why I feel like human feelings are dishonoring to God? Isn't not like he is going to smite me for feeling overwhelmed or upset?

I really think it has to do with my feeling of needing to be as perfect as I possibly can, even though I know that is absolutely impossible!!! Is this a need I desire in myself? No, not by choice. Growing up I heard "so you think you are so perfect, don't you?!" in some various form often. It was a taunt, a cruel poke at how imperfect I truly am. I have often tried to justify why this was said to me, try to take away the sting of it, and all my faults that would be listed. To make it not affect me so much. It left me feeling like I HAD to be perfect. I was expected to be perfect. Maybe if I was perfect, or as close as I could come to it, I would be worthy of love. 

Looking back as a mother, I look back on young me and my heart breaks at that thought. I remember how I used to just wish I could know what people were thinking, know WHY they said the things they said, did the things they did, acted the way they acted. Maybe then knowing the why, they couldn't hurt me so much. 

I know God has worked on my heart so much. I see so much growth in my life, in my relationship with him and those around me. This area of feeling I need to be perfect, or as close as I can be, to receive love is the area I probably need the most healing!! The most work on. What would that even look like? How could that even happen? Would I even be open to working on that, to be vulnerable and allow God to work on possibly the deepest hurt in my heart. The thing that so affects EVERY aspect of me in some way. Who would I be without this? 

This was such a early hurt, thought process that took root long, long ago. I imagine it being a huge underground weed that has vines reaching out thru out me touching every part of my life. When I pull a huge week from my yard, I really have to get to the root of the issue to take of the problem. It disrupts the ground horribly, it is not a pretty sight afterwards without alot of care shown to the damage. How do I do that in my life? I really don't know. 

Emmalee turns 8!!

 Well birthdays in the Schimek household are over for a while. Emmalee's birthday marked 4 birthdays for our household in a month, plus 4 grandparents birthdays, Christmas, and New Years all in the timeframe makes for a jam packed month. Expensive too!! Thank you Lord for opening our eyes to budgeting!!

So today is our sweet Emmalee's birthday. I can't believe that 8 years ago I was cuddling my new baby girl in my arms and right now as I write this she is sitting her eating a bowl of cereal and talking to her sisters. 

We have tried to make it a point of making our kiddos birthdays special. Thru out the years how we do that has changed to fit John's work schedule, budgets, etc. We used to do special birthday breakfast when John worked afternoons(4-midnight), for a while we did birthday parties with inviting friends and classmates. Now what we do is dinner at the birthday child's choice of restaurant, then cake and presents at home with just us and the kiddos and sometimes a good friend. This works well for us and the kids really enjoy it. They feel special picking where to go and what cake they want. Sometimes they want a homemade cake, sometimes we buy one. As I get older I see that its not about how big of presents we buy, or having a huge birthday party. Those things are just fine. But for us and our kids, it really is about how special and loved they feel on their day. 

This year Emmalee changed things up!! She picked Qdoba for dinner and picked a homemade chocolate cake with chocolate frosting and topped with chocolate frosting and chocolate covered coffee beans, which she and her friend help decorate. She enjoyed her night!! She had requested I make her a unicorn shirt. I found this beautiful dress with a plain white top and beautiful pink tulle with silver unicorns for the skirt. I bought a super cute svg file of Etsy and put it on with my cricut and heat press. I did her hair up all cute and we topped it with a JoJo bow. She looked like the beautiful princess she is!!