I thought she would never die

 I miss my grandma. 

My grandma dying never seemed like a possibility.  Logically I knew she was older....94. And I know everyone dies eventually.  But honestly I just expected her to always be here. She would for forever be my constant in my life. I just couldn't imagine her not being here.

She died at the end of February.  

It happened so fast in my mind and yet was probably obviously coming to everyone else. Sure she had been really sick and had been in the hospital but she had been in that situation and made a full recovery before. I had resolved myself to the fact she probably wouldn't go back home. We had talked about it, Grandma and I. About how it was probably best for her to remain in the nursing home so she could receive the help she needed and hopefully not be so lonely. She wanted to be home again and I wanted that for her, but we both knew that just wasn't going to happen. 

But I never thought goodbye was coming. I am just thankful that we got those weeks to say goodbye instead of the rushed goodbye in the hospital. 

I never expected after leaving the nursing home that Thursday and seeing her in the state she was, that I would only see her one more time to say goodbye. I called Mom to let her know Grandma was having a rough day but NEVER thought she was actually dying. All I remember was that look at her face as she looked up from having her head in her hands and looking at me and Addilyn but not really seeing us and just praying that she rest and feeling better. 

The next day I took JJ, Kennedy,  and Emmalee to say goodbye. Looking at her in that bed, looking so tiny and so frail, I just knew. This time was different.  This was goodbye. We shared memories of Grandma, I told the kids memories from my childhood, played the song she often played on our way to elementary school, we prayed over her, held her hand, and told her how much we loved her. 

Mom called me not 15 minutes after we left and Grandma was gone. I like to think that she was waiting for me to say goodbye one last time know how hard this would be for me.

We got close in these last few years, Grandma and me. She was always a bit part of my life, but in the past few years she was an ever bigger part. 

Oh I miss her. School started this week. I would call her basically every morning after dropping the kids at school to chat. Some days she would be the only adult other than John I talked to. Or I would stop by her house and we would chat while she ate breakfast.  

I still think about calling her all the time. I would call her all the time to tell her about random stuff throughout the day. I think it gave us both someone to just connect with daily. 

Now she is gone....and it feels like there is a hole in my life.  I wonder if she ever really know how much she meant to me?! I sure hope so.