Deep thoughts that have been on my heart

 It really amazes...no that's not the right word....astounds me......not it either.....Ok it really confuddles me how people can go thru similar situations and walk away with complete opposite thoughts and beliefs from those situations.

I was talking to someone recently and someone they know and love grew up in an abusive home. Such a sad thing honestly how many children grow up in an abusive home. Seriously sometimes I wonder why such people were ever blessed with children, when they just end up abusing them in horrible ways. Sometimes I just don't understand things.

Anyway this person they love grew up in an abusive home and they walked away from that situation with the thought "God cannot be a loving god because of what I went thru." Now I grew up with abuse in the house. I am not going to go into details, but yeah it was there and it really left scars on my siblings and me. From an early age I have always had the unshakeable knowledge that "God IS a loving god because of what I went thru." I can remember one instance when I was an extremely young child, probably around 3-4 based on details I remember, and I was laying on my bed, maybe down for a nap and I just remember saying to myself, "God is real and He is watching over and protecting me." I had absolute faith that there was no way that God wasn't real and a real god would not put me in this position without being there watching over me. Looking back at that, I am amazed that at such a tender age, I just knew. That knowledge, that faith that God is real and He is my God!! That faith has never wavered and I can point that unwavering faith all back to THAT moment in THAT trailer house when that little itty bitty girl put her faith in a God that she knew was real and had no question that He loved her. 

And I know that this person my friend loves was in a worst situation than me from the sounds of it. Child abuse is horrible but there are some cases that just are absolute evil. I don't say that to diminish what happened to me or to any other person who was abused as a child, whether it be physical, mental, emotional, sexual abuse. Abusing a child is vile and wrong. And it can leave lasting scars....scars that show themselves again and again even long after you thought they had healed. 

I know that it might be hard to imagine a loving God, a loving heavenly father, if those who were suppose to be the ones who loved you where the ones that abused you. Hard to trust when the hand that was suppose to hold you and protect you, was the hand that beat you and abused you.

This morning as I was thinking on this I got this imagine of my little almost 3 month old. He is getting to the age where he can grasp things and boy can he hold on. I thought what if that's what we would be like with God as far as our need for Him, our desire for relationship with Him, like a little baby. When we are scared and just need comfort, we grasp onto Him, clenching His robe tightly in our hands, knowing that in His arms, we are safe. When we are tired, just like a little baby completely content and oblivious to the world, we find rest in His arms. When we need a good cry, like a little baby crying knowing mommy will rock and pat our backs, we allow ourselves to fall apart in His arms. 

That is how imagine God to be. I imagine that He is like the person that my little babies viewed me to be. They would find comfort, peace, love, acceptance, rest in my arms. Our little Addilyn has started preschool recently and it is a long day for her and every evening I hear "I just need Mommy". What if we were like that. After a long day, how often do I say "I just need God"? Not often honestly even though He is exactly what I need.

So I got a little off track there from my original thought. But honestly I pray that this person that is dear to my good good friend, and all those that have childhood scars find your comfort, your rest, your peace in God. He is a good loving heavenly father. I promise you. I know sometimes trust is a hard things after bad things happen to us by people we should have been able to trust. Even when the world seems cruel, even when the world hurts you, please know that there is a great God who loves you absolutely and completely. 

I thought she would never die

 I miss my grandma. 

My grandma dying never seemed like a possibility.  Logically I knew she was older....94. And I know everyone dies eventually.  But honestly I just expected her to always be here. She would for forever be my constant in my life. I just couldn't imagine her not being here.

She died at the end of February.  

It happened so fast in my mind and yet was probably obviously coming to everyone else. Sure she had been really sick and had been in the hospital but she had been in that situation and made a full recovery before. I had resolved myself to the fact she probably wouldn't go back home. We had talked about it, Grandma and I. About how it was probably best for her to remain in the nursing home so she could receive the help she needed and hopefully not be so lonely. She wanted to be home again and I wanted that for her, but we both knew that just wasn't going to happen. 

But I never thought goodbye was coming. I am just thankful that we got those weeks to say goodbye instead of the rushed goodbye in the hospital. 

I never expected after leaving the nursing home that Thursday and seeing her in the state she was, that I would only see her one more time to say goodbye. I called Mom to let her know Grandma was having a rough day but NEVER thought she was actually dying. All I remember was that look at her face as she looked up from having her head in her hands and looking at me and Addilyn but not really seeing us and just praying that she rest and feeling better. 

The next day I took JJ, Kennedy,  and Emmalee to say goodbye. Looking at her in that bed, looking so tiny and so frail, I just knew. This time was different.  This was goodbye. We shared memories of Grandma, I told the kids memories from my childhood, played the song she often played on our way to elementary school, we prayed over her, held her hand, and told her how much we loved her. 

Mom called me not 15 minutes after we left and Grandma was gone. I like to think that she was waiting for me to say goodbye one last time know how hard this would be for me.

We got close in these last few years, Grandma and me. She was always a bit part of my life, but in the past few years she was an ever bigger part. 

Oh I miss her. School started this week. I would call her basically every morning after dropping the kids at school to chat. Some days she would be the only adult other than John I talked to. Or I would stop by her house and we would chat while she ate breakfast.  

I still think about calling her all the time. I would call her all the time to tell her about random stuff throughout the day. I think it gave us both someone to just connect with daily. 

Now she is gone....and it feels like there is a hole in my life.  I wonder if she ever really know how much she meant to me?! I sure hope so.