Nice little pity party today

 So it can be really hard for me to ask for help when I need it. I feel like past experiences have taught me that I am expected to be able to handle it all on my own without the help of others. If I ask for help believe me, I usually try to handle it myself first. I am really trying to be more open with my need for help, although I don't think I am doing very well.

My fear of.......well honestly rejection when asking for help is what really keeps me from asking. Rejection, judgement for needing help, and being viewed as a horrible wife, mother, person, etc.  I don't want to give the illusion that I am perfect at all, because I am absolutely not. I do however feel like I am expected to be by some. And by others I often feel like I am constantly being viewed as somehow lacking despite really, really, REALLY trying my hardest!! This is especially hard when you feel this judgement or rejection from someone you truly love and admire as a fellow woman of faith. I know honestly  most likely I am not being judged in the moments or rejected, but oh that is how it feels.

If I feel I am annoying someone, or viewed as expecting too much, or feeling judge, I pull back. I am coming to see that is a protection thing. Maybe if I don't ask too much, maybe if I don't call them as often, maybe then they wont view me as an annoyance. Honestly then it leaves me feeling so isolated. I don't do much outside of my household often. I love to be part of things, but I end up pulling back inside myself in an effort for self preservation and then feel even worst when no one seems to notice or care. 

Today has just become a hard day for me. At the moment I am back to thinking I will just stay in my little bubble at home, never talking to anyone, never reaching out for help, and never expecting to be viewed as special or wanted as anyone else. Even as I write this I know this is not true. These are my feelings, and feelings are not always truth. But then I hate how I always try to tell myself I am not allowed to feel because then I am not appreciating all I have, or I am not being fair to the other person, etc. 

It's February!!!

 It's February 1st of 2021!! That seems absolutely insane to me. Sometimes it seems I get so wrapped up in the day to day of our family life that when I stop and think about it I realize that weeks, maybe even months have passed in a blink of an eye. Yet while going thru it, it seemed to pass so slowly. It seems to weird how time can seem to barely move, yet in the same sense go by without you realizing it!!

So I started January with sitting down and making a few goals for 2021 but really sitting more goals for the month. I wrote them down and hoped to stay on track and achieve them all. Well some I did. I did keep up on my daily Bible reading, both our family and my personal. Now don't get me wrong I got behind a few days here and there but worked hard on only letting 1-2 days to go by before catching up. Our family Bible reading we are about 3 days behind now, but the important thing is we are doing it!! I also worked on the girls room a bit with their help and I was finally able to get purple buckets for Addy's clothes. I still need to label all of their buckets and get the room decluttered again. 

I did even accomplish some of my business goals. I did make it a priority to clean up my sewing room every week, I did my January Etsy stocking and I am working on my February stocking.

Other things I didn't acheive. I did not make it the whole month with any pop.....but I did make it 26 days and I honestly feel no shame over not making it the whole month!! I celebrated with a nice cold Mountain Dew. lol

I also did not lose the weight goal I had set. In fact despite losing 3 lbs, thanks to our carb heavy day yesterday(totally worth it because I ate yummy Casey's pizza!! Plus it was yum box day and Kennedy made me waffles for lunch. I regret nothing!!) I was only down .2 lbs this morning. Well maybe next month will be better. lol

I did not meet my sales goal for my business which was a bummer. It especially stinks that I haven't sold anything from my January stocking yet. I am really upset over this. My Facebook page and my Etsy shop just isn't doing as good as it used to. It has made me really question my work and my product, but I know that is just doubt talking and not the truth. I am trusting this is what God has for me right now, and praying maybe craft shows will be more my thing this year.

So I have two choices when looking back over my goals for last month and all I didn't accomplish or what I only partially accomplished. I could just give up setting goals. Say screw it and just act like it is no big deal and that I am not upset about it. Or I can acknowledge I wish I had been able to accomplish the goals I feel upset about, and move forward. Tweak my goals, look at ways to adjust what I am doing to see it I can do better. And set more goals for February. Even if I once again fall short in some areas, I am sure I will see growth in other areas!! 

Side note: This little booger cost us $500 last week. The poor guy was super sick and has bad kidneys. If you would please pray for our Olaf we would appreciate it. He really is an amazing cat and we love him to pieces!! He is doing better now, but this is the second time in 6 months he got that sick and honestly I don't think he ever really recovered the last time. He is on different food now and has some extra treatments scheduled in the future to help reflush out his kidneys so hopefully the stay healthy this time.