9 years ago

Nine years ago today, I held my little tiny baby boy's lifeless body in the palm of my hand. My first baby. A baby I so desperately wanted and couldn't believe he was taken from me before I even got to hold him.

I was only 15 weeks pregnant, past the 12 week mark which means I was suppose to be in the clear. The baby would be ok, I mean that is what I always thought. I now know that women lose babies at all stages of pregnancy, but until this moment I was young and blissfully naive to the realities of pregnancy lose.

I still remember the whole situation so well. It is both a blessing and a curse. It is hard to remember, to go back to the pain, it seems that it would be better to just forget it. But since I was so early in my pregnancy and never really got to enjoy all the fun parts, the baby moving around, watching my belly jump and look like an alien was trying to pop out, etc, this would be the end of it all. This event, though horrible and so sad, would be the last event I got to have with my beautiful baby.

We didn't know if the baby was a boy or girl, and I am so thankful that God made it very obvious after he was born. We named him Jacob Robert, the name we had picked out from the beginning for a boy. We had someone suggest we save that name for our next boy and pick something else, since we loved it so much, but we choose to give him the name. He was and still is our first son. We love him and chose that name for him.

He was so perfect. 10 toes and 10 fingers. A little mouth that was so precious and oh so tiny. He was only 4 inches long and by the time he was weighed was only 3/4 of an ounce. Apparently babies will lose weight in the womb and at this stage after being delivered after they have passed. Another thing I never knew....before, I sure know it now.

I remember feeling like I had failed my baby. Like it was my fault, that somehow my body was the reason we had to say goodbye to our baby. I now know that it is just one of those things that can happen. I remember fearing I would never have a baby to take home, never kiss my baby as it sleeps in my arms.

As I look back on this day that was probably the worst day of my life to date, I am so greatful to God. Not that my Jacob died, but that God brought us through it. And I would like to believe that God used it to make me love my children I have been blessed with since more than if Jacob would have lived. I praise God for the blessing of Jacob and our 5 other children. We have been blessed more than I ever imagined!

"You were pregnant?"

Ok, just how FAT did I look when I was pregnant? Because apparently I didn't look pregnant to pretty much anyone that didn't know I was pregnant. So I must have just looked fat. Why am I saying that you ask? Because I have had lots of people who are shocked that Emmalee is mine.

I am not kidding. Just today I went to grab a pop at the kwik stop and ran into a woman I went to school with. Now granted this woman I didn't see all the time, but about once a week and she goes "who's kid are you packing around?" She was floored when I said Emmalee was mine.

Heck even my neighbor had no clue I was pregnant beccause she even asked me whose baby I was babysitting just days after having Emmalee. This is a woman who I see everyday pretty much and she didn't even know I was pregnant. She even apologized for not realizing it. She was so embarrassed.

My mother in law and others said I didn't get as big as I did with the other kids. But I did get a baby bump, so why is it so shocking to people that I had a baby?! I can't go downtown without someone making the comment they had no clue I was pregnant. lol

View of my life in pictures

Sometimes I wonder what people really see when they look at me. You know those pictures that go around on facebook that say something like: What people think I do, What my mom thinks I do, What I think I do, etc; and every picture is totally different? I think this is the story of my life.

Today when I was at Walmart I ran into a former classmate and neighbor of John's parents. The woman has one child and she told me that she thinks I am amazing. John tells me often that he has alot of people tell him they think I am also amazing. Why?! Because I managed not to strangle my children? Because believe me there are days that it is a miracle. I am just joking......kinda. lol

This is how I feel my little facebook picture story would look like:

This is how other moms of young children views me:

 

This is how my children views me:

 

This is how I view me:

This is how I pray my children remember me as:

 

 

 

Pictures of my crafts

Since I was unable to post pictures of the crafts I made to donate for Christmas baskets for local children in our community, I thought I would post some now that I can. I am very proud of these, because I didn't really have much time to make items to donate and I worked hard to get as many done as I could. I also really enjoyed making them!!

 I have already started on items to donate this year. I am wanting expand on items I donate and really make alot to give. It gives me joy!

I have been going through our house and getting rid of stuff we don't need off and on for months now. In fact I went through the boys room twice in the past 3 months and got rid of TONS of toys and clothes both times. I went through the girls' room, our room, the laundry room TWICE, the shed, and the latest was the kitchen. And even though we have taken probably a good 50 garbage bags and/or boxes to the thrift store, local teens' group, and my friend who we pass boys clothes down too, I still have SOOOO much to get rid of!!

I find it amazing how much stuff we don't need or use is stuffed into our house. I mean how much stuff does a family of 7 REALLY need?! And have become more selective(although not as selective as I probably should be) about what I keep. I am getting over my "so and so gave this to use so we HAVE to keep it" mentality. I want a more organized and decluttered house and keeping everything that people give us just so we don't hurt anyones feelings doesn't help with that.

Heck I even am thinking that for Christmases and birthdays for the kids I should give good ideas of toys or items the kids really could use or play with would be best so we don't just keep replacing the stuff the kids don't play with with more stuff the kids don't play with. I honestly think they have too much stuff to even really know what they have.

During this process I have found that there are people in my house that are not good to help during this process. Alex is great help. He wanted his room less cluttered so it was easier to clean, so he was willing to get rid of pretty much anything. Kennedy is ok, if I don't let her see me taking the stuff out. JJ is horrible though, I got to keep him as far away from whatever I am going through. It doesn't even matter if the stuff is not his, he doesn't want to get rid of anything. John I have found is fine, as long as it is my stuff or the kids' stuff, if it is his stuff, he doesn't want to get rid of anything really. He doesn't like to go through his stuff, he would rather just keep it regardless of what it is.

So even though I have gone through almost every room in my house, it still needs gone through more. Kinda like I am when a team has multiple cycles of cutting players. I want to get rid of soooo much more stuff!!!

Poor little crabs!

In October we bought the kids 2 crabs, one for the girls named Lala Loopsie and one for the boys named Sharktooth. Now I had never heard of hermit crabs before purchasing them, except when a couple of our youth girls bought some, so I knew nothing about them. So like every responsible pet owner, we bought this nifty little hermit crab guide. It was really thin and I read it from cover to cover.

After a couple of weeks the novelty of the crabs wore off. They didn't really do much, especially after being dropped a couple of times. But they are also nocturnal so during the day they don't do much. I even found it kinda boring. I felt sorry for the little crabs, because I thought that they were probably bored out of their minds. But from my reading I see that they don't really do much of anything.

About 2 months ago, we found Lala Loopsie falling out of her shell and her arms fell off. So Alex cleaned out the shell and we gave the girls the bad news. By this time, Alex was neding to be reminded everyday(if I remembered) to take care of his crab. I was getting pretty tired of having to remind him ALL the time, especially when all he had to do was change the food and water and spray the crab down.

Today when I told him to take care of the crab, he found his fallling out of its shell. Sharktooth took the big dirt nap. Poor little buddy. So Alex started cleaning out the shell, but was having problems. So I helped him and as I was pulling out pieces and noticed 2 more claws and a bunch more legs, I realized Sharktooth wasn't dead. Well at least not until we started ripping him apart. He was just molting. Now I am pretty sure that Lala Loopsie was just molting too. So we killed 2 hermit crabs.

Now Alex wants 2 more since we know we aren't such horrible crab owners that kill our crabs, at least not from neglect. We just rip them out of their shells when they have the nerve to grow. lol. Maybe I will have to try my hand at another pair of crabs, so prove I can keep one alive. lol

I am so blessed!!

Alex on Crazy day at PVCA

JJ on Crazy day at PVCA

Kennedy when we went sledding

Livie on her first day of dance

Emmalee being all cute